One of Us is F@#*in' Crazy - Letters to Great Americans Read online

  That ‘s exactly what happened to Phil Donahue. MSNBC was (like WAPO) a rabid frothing at the mouth, flag-waving, propaganda machine for the Neo-Cons. Although Phil’s show was more popular than Chris Matthew’s ‘Hardball’ the suits decided Phil would be a, “difficult public face for NBC in a time of war"!

  Result? America’s most respected journalist unceremoniously dumped because he declined to endorse the gratuitous slaughter and maiming of a million innocents.

  Matt, I swallowed the bovine excrement from Colin Powell at the UN too and, like you, I feel like a gullible simpleton now.

  But, you are the only journalist who has honestly come clean about spouting lethal gibberish in a leading national newspaper. Well Done.

  Here’s a wager for you. I’ll give you ten to one that the WAPO will enthusiastically support the next carnival of carnage (Iran?) and that every hack at WAPO will go along for the slaughter. If, miraculously, one sucker let’s their conscience intervene they will be defenestrated from the highest window at WAPO HQ. What do you say? Are we on?

  Please find enclosed $10 and a SASE to facilitate your rely.

  Yours sincerely

  Andy Bain

  ************

  139 Elm Park Mansions.

  Charlotte, NC, 28269

  Aug. 28, 2010

  Admiral Mike Mullen

  Office of the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff

  
9999 Joint Staff Pentagon 


  Washington, D.C. 20318-9999

  Dear Admiral Mullen,

  Congratulations on the firing of Army Col. Lawrence Sellin, PhD. [the] 61-year old reservist from New Jersey…from his job as a staff officer at the International Security Assistance Force Joint Command (ISAF) in Kabul.

  His crime?

  He ‘spilled his guts’ in an editorial for United Press International (UPI) that, “little of substance is really done here…[except] endless tinkering with PowerPoint slides to conform with the idiosyncrasies of cognitively challenged generals in order to spoon-feed them information.”

  Of course, this is not the first time Colonel Sellin has blurted out the truth.

  In a UPI article date Feb. 25, 2010 he made the following astonishing statements:

  “In my 29-year U.S. Army career I have met my share of lap-dog generals and Defense Department officials. I recently noticed that one prominent example was just promoted. Well done. The system worked…one does not rise to that level in the military without political acumen, risk awareness -- if not risk aversion -- and a "get-along-by-going-along" attitude.”

  “I often wonder why there are so few general officer resignations on principle…one cannot help but question whether this also [is] a convenient excuse for the consummate careerist military-politician. The statements of these "leaders" on controversial issues are often so vague that they easily transition, for example, between administrations with such extraordinarily divergent views of Presidents George W. Bush and Barack Obama. It is difficult not to conclude that they are just taking the easy way out.”

  “The dirty little secret in the military is that general officers take care of each other, "choose" each other for promotions and, when things get messy, often keep each other "out of the bursting radius" of plans gone sour.”

  Mike, this is treachery. No one can fail to draw the conclusion that our Generals are a bunch of timeserving, bootlicking, blockheads!

  My question is why wasn’t this scoundrel cashiered, court-martialled or shot at dawn?

  Please find enclosed $10 and a SASE to facilitate your reply.

  Yours sincerely

  Andy Bain

  ************

  139 Elm Park Mansions.

  Charlotte, NC 28269

  June 30th, 2010

  Grand Central Academy of Art

  New York City

  20 West 44th Street

  New York, NY 10036-6603

  Dear Steven Polson,

  Can I congratulate you on the charming oil portrait you did of Donald Rumsfeld. I note from your website that you have also painted General Colin Powell, George Tenet of the CIA and are currently doing Condoleezza Rice.

  Steven, could I induce you to take a commission to paint me?

  I made my pile in the plumbing business and have a rather good, clear, close-up photo of me unblocking a Briggs 1.5 gravity-fed toilet bowl with my bare hands. Like Oliver Crowell, when he had his portrait done, I want, “warts and all or I won’t pay a farthing”.

  Which brings me to cost. I see from the DOD website that Mr. Rumsfeld paid $50,000 out of his own pocket for the painting.

  But, Steven, you’re not dealing with another simpleton. Nice work if you can get it, of course…fair enough…”never give a sucker an even break” is the American way, after all. But you are not dealing with a moron this time.

  $25,000 is my absolute limit.

  Please find enclosed $10 to show my bona fides. There’s plenty more where this came from.

  Yours Sincerely

  Andy Bain

  PS. My wife says that a nationally renowned artist who specializes in War Criminals isn’t going to accept a commission from an obscure pacifist plumber. Steven, let’s prove the old bat wrong!

  ***********

  139 Elm Park Mansions.

  Charlotte, NC 28269

  27 Sept., 2010

  Grand Central Academy of Art

  New York City

  20 West 44th Street

  New York, NY 10036-6603

  Dear Steven,

  You will recall I wrote to you back in June to commission a portrait of myself doing what I love best i.e. unblocking clogged plumbing fixtures.

  As I have heard nothing, I assume you have been in Italy all summer vacuuming up a bit of culture. Or have you been nose to the grind stone painting international War Criminals like Dick Cheney?

  Or could it be that my first bid of $25,000, not being in your usual price range, has ruffled your feathers a trifle?

  OK, fair enough. I’ve been in business long enough to know how to haggle. Will $30,000 suit you? But for that I’d want Mrs. Bain included in the painting. Though you’ll have your work cut out trying to make a likeness acceptable to her, I can tell you. I have taken thousands of photos of her and she hasn’t like one of them.

  As it happens we will be in NYC on the 1st Nov for a week. So unless I hear that it is inconvenient the wife and I will pop through your door at the above address on 2nd Nov. about 10:00 am to finalize details on this painting malarkey.

  Yours sincerely

  Andy Bain

  PS Don’t go to any trouble for us. A coffee and a bagel will be ample (perhaps a scoop of Champagne if the meeting will go over the lunch hour. I’ll leave it to you. Just remember $30,000 is a lot for a bloomin’ bit of paint and canvass!)

  ************

  139 Elms Park Mansions

  Charlotte, NC

  April 8, 2011

  Grand Central Academy of Art

  20 West 44th St.

  New York, NY10036-6603

  Dear Mrs. Polson,

  Thank you for your kind letter of the 7th.

  As you know I had the immense pleasure of speaking to your husband on the phone the other day. My teasing about the outlandish prices he charges for a few dabs of paint obviously touched a raw nerve.

  He related a humorous anecdote about obtaining a quote from a qualified plumber for some work at your house. You were quoted $600 for a job which Mr. Polson completed himself for the paltry sum of $25. The very clear implication being that the entire cohort of US plumbing professionals are, "a bunch of swindling, robbing bastards".

  Damn Right!! "Never give a sucker an even break" is, as Ms. Ayn Rand and W.C. Fields pointed out, "the first commandment of American capitalism.

  Lori, I can't wait 4 bloomin' years!!

  So I have had a portrait in oil done by a local art student for 50 bucks (plus materials). It took her a week to complete including drying time! (None of
my business of course but is Steven prone to procrastination and malingering?)The painting is every bit as good as Steven's extortionate 'objets' and I didn't risk bumping into any war criminals during the sittings!

  Yours sincerely

  Andy Bain

  139 Elm Park Mansions.

  Charlotte, NC 28269

  Aug. 11th, 2010

  Michael Medved

  Senior Fellow

  Discovery Institute

  208 Columbia Street

  Seattle, WA 98104

  Dear Mr. Medved,

  Just put down your tremendous new book, ‘The 5 BIG LIES about American Business – Combating Smears Against the Free-Market Economy’. Bravo!

  In a witty and often humorous book you pull no punches quoting crazed liberals: -

  “Let Wall Street Die”: …No tax payer bailout…should go to rescue the growing cesspool of filthy-rich, elite financial managers whose unchecked greed and false sense of entitlement has given this country its worst financial crisis since the Great Depression.” Professor Kurt Hochenauer.

  You expose the weak character and ‘personal peccadilloes’ of Dennis Kozlowski, CEO of the gigantic health care and electronics conglomerate Tyco, who is now serving eight years in the Mid-State Correctional facility in Marcy, New York for twenty two counts of grand larceny.

  At Kozlowski’s $2 million party in 2001, there was a “Big ice sculpture of David…A waiter is pouring Stoli vodka into his back so it comes out his penis into a crystal glass…a huge (naked female figure) cake is brought out with the waiters in togas singing and holding the cake up for all to see…The tits explode!!”

  This puerile boorishness even provokes you to comment, “…[This] reinforce[s] the notion that corporate chieftains constitute a class of selfish, shallow, preposterously pampered, and ludicrously overpaid parasites.”

  One question if I may?

  On page 131 you write, “The Gospel According to Matthew (19:24) quotes the enigmatic declaration of Jesus that “it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.”

  Michael, what’s enigmatic about that?

  If I were to say “Michael Medved is a pathetic apologist for avarice and selfishness and has about as much chance of getting into heaven as I have of pushing a hippopotamus through the eye of a needle” nobody would describe that as enigmatic.

  Can you enlighten me? Please find enclosed a SASE and $10 – have a vodka on me!

  Yours sincerely

  Andy Bain

  ************

  139 Elm Park Mansions

  Charlotte, NC 28262

  January 7, 2007

  Richard L. Armitage

  Armitage International L.C.

  2300 Clarendon Blvd. Suite 601

  Arlington, Virginia 22201-3392

  Dear Mr. Armitage,

  You will have seen, this morning, Professor Fouad Ajami’s disgraceful book review, in the NYT, of General Musharraf’s biography, ‘In the Line of Fire’.

  The Professor wrote, ‘Deputy Secretary of State Richard Armitage…told the Director General of Pakistan’s intelligence – America or the terrorists. And if Pakistan chose the terrorists, it should be “prepared to be bombed back to the Stone Age.” ‘

  Richard, this is intolerable, they are trying to portray you as a diplomatic embarrassment to America and an irrationally belligerent thug!

  I fully expect you will go to litigation. I would consider it an honor if you would accept the enclosed $20 towards your legal costs.

  Richard, you are a great American (and I see from Wikipedia, a British knight of the realm too. Well done.) Any chance of a signed picture for my eight-year-old daughter (she collects autographs)?

  Support Mr Bush and Mr Cheney

  Sincerely yours,

  Andy Bain

  ************

  Post Card

  R. L. Armitage

  17 JUN 07

  Dear Mr Bain,

  Forgive me for my tardiness in responding – Correspondence just piled up!

  Thank you for your note. Pervez Musareff and I have spoken and he knows now that no such threat was issued.

  Thank you also for noting the KCMG. Nothing has ever surprised me more.

  I’m returning your $20 with interest.

  Best to you.

  Sincerely

  Rich Armitage

  Inc. Picture of R. L. and Stars and Stripes with inscription “Miss Bain, Best Wishes- Rich Armitage

  ************

  139 Elm Park Mansions

  Charlotte, NC 28262

  January 22, 2007

  Dinesh D'Souza

  Robert and Karen Rishwain Fellow

  434 Galvez Mall

  Stanford University

  Stanford, CA 94305-6010

  Dear Mr D'Souza,

  Undoubtedly, you are aware of the scurrilous review of your new book, “The Enemy at Home – The cultural Left and Its Responsibility for 9/11”, by one Alan Wolfe, which appeared in yesterday’s NYT.

  In this unprecedented hatchet job Wolfe wrote, “…let this “decent” liberal make perfectly clear how thoroughly indecent Dinesh D’Souza is. Like his hero Joe McCarthy, he has no sense of shame. He is a childish thinker and writer tackling subjects about which he knows little to make arguments that reek of political extremism. His book is a national disgrace…”

  Indecent…no sense of shame…childish thinker…national disgrace! This is monstrous.

  Dinesh, after a close reading, as I understand your book, you are simply exercising your freedom of speech to codify and intellectually underpin the clarity of the Rev. Jerry Falwell when he said, "I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen."

  Of course you must sue. I would consider it a personal honor if you would accept the enclosed $20 towards your legal costs.

  Support Mr Cheney and Mr Bush

  Sincerely yours,

  Andy Bain

  ************

  Post Card from D’Souza

  Andy-

  A suit won’t work here. But this, my first book, will help you understand the Alan Wolfe mentality better.

  Best, DD

  Enc. a copy of book “Illiberal Education – the politics of race and sex on Campus”.

  ***********

  139 Elm Park Mansions.

  Charlotte, NC 28269

  Monday, May 19, 2008

  Vice President Al Gore

  CURRENT TV, LLC

  118 King Street

  
San Francisco, CA 94107

  Dear Mr. Gore,

  Just finished your sagacious monograph, ‘The ASSAULT ON REASON’.

  You paint an alarming picture of an inert and gullible nation of blobby couch potatoes, glued to “television an average of four hours and thirty-five minutes a day …collectively devoting a hundred million hours of their lives each week” to sensationalist twaddle like the Michael Jackson trial.

  “Three-quarters [of us] believed that Saddam Hussein was responsible for attacking us on September 11…many Americans still believe that most of the highjackers on September 11 were Iraqis” and “a third of the population believed that US forces had found WMD and more than 20% believed Iraq had used them during the war.”

  Al, how can we have a serious debate in the ‘Civic Forum’ when most of our fellow citizens have their heads up their own ass?

  My dopey spouse argues the solution is to reinvigorate Congress to fight the mendacious, warmongering, media. Al, you and I know she is a poor deluded utopian!

  The only way out of the ‘electronic Dark Ages’ is your simple, visionary idea of replacing the “Conglomerate TV…of the media Machiavelli’s” with interactive internet TV.
People in pajamas firing off irate e-mails are our last hope; waiting on the Democrats to vote against war and carnage is obviously futile.

  Please rush me $20 worth of shares in your interactive company Current TV. (Enc. $20 bill)

  Sincerely

  Andy Bain

  ************

  Headed Note Paper

  CURRENT

  118 King Street, San Francisco, CA 94107 www.current.tv

  139 Elm Park Mansions.

  Charlotte, NC 28269

  6/19/08

  Dear Mr. Andy Bain,

  We thank you so much for your interest and support in Current TV and appreciate your letter. However, we are unable to accept cash for purchase of our stock. Please check with your local broker in the next few months to see if you can purchase stock for Current.

  Thank you again for your continuing support!

  Best,

  Alicia Koester

  Enc. $20

  ***********

  139 Elm Park Mansions

  Charlotte, NC 28262

  03 June 2006

  ***********

  Professor Paul Fortunato

  Room S-1044

  University of Houston-Downtown

  One Main Street

  Houston, TX 77002

  Dear Professor Fortunato,

  I read your fascinating article on Opus Dei and ‘The Da Vinci Code’ movie in yesterdays New York Times.

  I admit that at first I was somewhat perplexed by your candid admission that, “For the record, I do wear a spiked metal band on my leg for a couple of hours a day like the movie’s murderous Opus Dei numerary, Silas…I’ve even made a point of wearing shorts around (the University?) so that people can see that the thigh band, the cilice, leaves no marks.”

  However, your explanation of why you wear the apparatus – “merely giving money to help the needy is inadequate and patronizing. One key element behind corporal mortification is to feel solidarity with the poor…” seems eminently sane to me.

  Professor, inspired by your example I decided I too would like to show solidarity with the needy. But, frankly I had no idea where one could purchase a cilice. I visited our local Wal-Mart and related to a very helpful lady what I was looking for. Of course she had never heard of such a thing and had some difficulty grasping the concept. When I explained that it was an instrument for corporal mortification, as you can perhaps imagine, she gave me a very strange, sceptical look and suggested I try one of the emporiums out near the airport.

  Paul, I enclose $20. Could you send me a cilice? If it is more expensive than this simply let me know and I will send you the balance. If it is less expensive please donate the rest to the needy. Thanking you in advance.