One of Us is F@#*in' Crazy - Letters to Great Americans Read online

  Sincerely yours,

  Andy Bain

  *************

  139 Elm Park Mansions

  Charlotte, NC 28262

  26 May 2006

  Professor Noam Chomsky

  MIT Linguistics and Philosophy, Noam Chomsky

  77 Massachusetts Avenue. Bldg. 32-D808

  Cambridge, MA 02139

   

   Dear Professor Chomsky,

  I am a Scottish ex-Trotskyist and ‘neo-Chomskyite’. I have been viewing all the video material on your web-site.

  Noam, do you mind me commenting that you come across a wee bit dour – you rather remind me of a lugubrious Calvinist Minister in fact?

  The only mildly amusing story you have recounted since 1970 is the gently self-deprecatory one about your wife rushing to consult the doctor because she thought her ears were going - turned out her hearing was perfect - it was just that, you chuckled, “her husband was an inaudible mumbler.”

  Professor, how would you like me to write your jokes for you?

  I know – your asking yourself, is this bloke funny enough?

  Will Scottish political humour work internationally?

  Here is an ideological joke currently doing the rounds in Scotland:

  A Scotswoman bursts into a carriage on a French train and urgently calls down the compartment, “Is there a Catholic Priest on board?”

  No reply.

  Then an elderly, bearded man rises and offers with concern, “I am a Rabbi - can I be of any help my dear?”

  “No”, replies the young woman, “I need a Catholic priest…I’m looking for a bottle opener.” I enclose a stamped addressed envelope (I can start anytime) and $20 – have a dram on me!

  Sincerely yours,

  Andy Bain

   PS. Noam, I have just found another of your jokes. On Page 116 of ‘Imperial Ambitions’ you say, “Probably the best newspaper in the world is the Financial Times in London.” Hilarious, but will your non-British readers realise you are being jocular?

  ***********

  Massachusetts Institute of Technology

  77 Massachusetts Avenue

  Cambridge, MA02139-4307

  June 29, 2006

  Dear Andy Bain,

  Pleased to hear from you. And thanks for the offer to supply jokes. Truth is that if I had the talent to be an amusing or charismatic speaker, I’d suppress it. Actually, for whatever reason, a great many people do find the occasional side remarks entertaining, judging by audience reaction, and many letters and comments. But I’m me, not someone else, and my goal is not to entertain.

  So appreciate the offer, but afraid I can’t accept.

  Noam Chomsky

  ENC. $20 bill

  *************

  139 Elm Park Mansions.

  Charlotte, NC 28269

  Rupert Murdoch

  Chairman and Chief Executive Officer 


  News Corporation

  1211 Avenue of the Americas

  New York, NY 10036-8701

  Wednesday, 14 May, 2008

  Dear Mr. Murdoch,

  Are you aware of the slanderous comments about you made by the Professor Emeritus of the University of California, Chalmers Johnson?

  In a Google video entitled ‘Decline of Empires’ while making reference to Fox News he suddenly declaims to camera that, “it, represents an Australian fascist…I mean Rupert Murdoch the owner of the News Corporation, owner of the Fox network”

  Rupert, this is unconscionable, everyone knows you are now an American citizen!

  Being certain that you will sue, I would consider it a personal honor if you would accept the enclosed twenty dollars towards your legal fees.

  Sincerely

  Andy Bain

  ***********

  [Chalmers Johnson is the bestselling author of ‘Blowback, the Costs and Consequences of American Empire’ and fifteen other books]

  139 Elm Park Mansions.

  Charlotte, NC 28269

  Chalmers Johnson

  President, Japan Policy Research Institute

  University of San Francisco

  Center for the Pacific Rim

  2130 Fulton St, LM280

  San Francisco, CA 94117-1080

  Thursday, May 15, 2008

  Dear Professor,

  When it comes to ‘public intellectuals’ if it’s a choice between you and Chomsky I would choose Chalmers Johnson every time. You are always informative and entertaining whereas Noam comes across a wee bit lugubrious.

  Just watched a Google video entitled ‘Decline of Empires’ and was tickled and astonished when, talking about Fox news, you declaimed direct to camera, “…of course it represents an Australian fascist…I mean Rupert Murdoch the owner of News Corporation, owner of the Fox network”. Crikey! Delivered deadpan but with the faintest shadow of an impish grin.

  Chalmers, aren’t you concerned that some miscreant stoolpigeon will denounce you to the ‘dirty digger’ (Murdoch’s eponym used by the British satirical magazine ‘Private Eye’)? He is famously humorless and litigious and you and your Russian Blue cat could end up in one of those naval brigs in South Carolina!

  But Professor, were you using the term loosely meaning that Murdoch is just an extreme right-wing plutocrat or were you hinting at a more sinister, corporatist, authoritarian cut to his jib? I’d love to hear from you so I have enclosed a SAE.

  Sincerely

  Andy Bain

  PS Many years ago, back in Scotland, I had a British Blue called Trotsky. This reveals my youthful proclivities both feline and political. Any chance of a picture of you and your cat? I enclose $20; please buy some haddock for the handsome beast.

  ***********

  Japan policy Research institute

  May 25, 2008

  Mr. Andy Bain

  3500 Amaranthus Court

  Charlotte, NC 28269

  Dear Mr. Bain:

  Thank you very much for your charming letter of 15 May about my book Nemesis and my remarks about Rupert Murdoch, owner of News Corporation, in a Google interview on which I appeared. Also, thank you for your interest in ‘Mof’, my Russian blue cat. I enclose a copy of my most recent book, Nemesis, which includes a jacket photo of me and Mof. I will take your advice about how vindictive Murdoch can be and become more careful about expressing my opinions of him.

  I appreciate your comments about my work.

  With best regards

  (Signed) Chalmers Johnson

  Chalmers Johnson

  e-mail: [email protected]

  Chalmers Johnson, President

  2138 Via Tiempo, Cardiff, CA 92007

  (Enc.) Copy of ‘Nemesis – the Last Days of the American Republic’ with handwritten inscription:

  To Andy Bain

  Best wishes for peace.

  From Mof (the cat) +

  Chalmers Johnson

  25 May 2008

  ************

  139 Elm Park Mansions.

  Charlotte, NC 28269

  May 30, 2008

  Chalmers Johnson,

  President

  Japan Policy Research Institute

  2138 Via Tiempo,

  Cardiff, CA 92007

  Dear Professor Johnson,

  I was thrilled to receive the signed copy of your book, Nemesis – the Last Days of the American Republic, in this mornings post. And I very much admire the cover photo of you and Mof.

  What a strong intelligent face; those piercing eyes, exuding gravitas with a hint of intellectual disapproval; the haughty, insouciant demeanor of absolute self-confidence.

  Chalmers - you look quite nice too.

  What an iconoclastic idea, to have a cover photo taken with your pussycat, on a pedagogic book of political science. I bet your editor was equivocal about the idea. It could easily have come across as a wee bit eccentric. But happily the majestic bearing of Mof largely avoided the risk of outlandish oddity.

  I notice that the book retails for
$26 – please find enclosed another six bucks? Contrary to English propaganda we Scots are immune to peculation or parsimony!

  With best regards,

  Andy Bain

  PS I hasten to add that I categorically deny ever calling Mr. Murdoch “vindictive” as you mischievously suggest. And it has been brought to my attention that he appeared in ‘The Simpsons’ as himself and was portrayed as a violent plutocrat, therefore, ex post facto, he has a fine sense of self-deprecatory humor. And I am sure any litigation he has pursued was entirely justified.

  Phew, I think that’s my ass covered!

  ************

  2138 Via Tiempo

  Cardiff, CA 92007

  June 3, 2008

  Dear Mr. Bain,

  Thank you for your charming letter(s) and the inclusion of another $10. That really wasn’t necessary…authors do get knock-offs on copies of their own books. I’m afraid we couldn’t buy Mof some haddock because – being 15 this summer – he’s on a special diet. So we thought we would send some more photos instead.

  The one of my husband and me was on our Christmas card last year, because in 2007 we celebrated our fiftieth wedding anniversary (the inset shows what we looked like back in 1957). The photo of the two cats reading proof on our JPRI book, Okinawa: Cold War Island, dates from 1999 and feature Miti on the left and Mof on the right. Alas, Miti (Mof’s brother) died of cancer in 2002. (They were named Miti and Mof after Japan’s Ministry of International Trade and Industry – the subject of my husband’s book MITI and the Japanese Miracle, and Mof, the Ministry of Finance.) After Miti died we wanted to get another cat but our vet said that because Miti was the dominant personality, we needed to see how Mof adjusted to being “in charge.” As you can see, he’s adjusted quite well. He particularly likes sitting on the ironing-board, but the table is also acceptable.

  You’re right that Metropolitan’s editor was not at first keen on having him on the dust-jacket of Nemesis, but the jacket designer is also a “cat person” and so we had a friend at court.

  Finally, a recent photo of our visitor raccoons. You probably have raccoons in Charlotte as well. Do you feed them? Ours are hooked on cheap oatmeal cookies that I buy at the 99-cent store.

  Best Wishes from all 3 Johnsons

  Sheila, Chal and Mof

  (Signed) Sheila, Chal + Mof

  ***********

  139 Elm Park Mansions.

  Charlotte, NC 28269

  Mrs. Sheila K. Johnson

  2138 Via Tiempo

  Cardiff, CA 92007

  Friday June 6, 2008

  Dear Sheila (and Mof and Chal),

  I was delighted to receive your letter and the lovely photos, which arrived safely yesterday. We do indeed have raccoons here, (in fact we spotted a fat one slumbering, high up, in a tree behind our house the other day) but they never come near the house because of our two beasts. (Photos enclosed)

  The black and white one is Max. He is a nine year old, phlegmatic, border collie cross and he came with us from Scotland. Since arriving here he has, twice, been attacked and badly stung by ground nesting wasps. Last September he was bitten on the snout by a copperhead snake and in February he found a dead body (suicide) in the woods behind the house!

  The black one is Gypsy. She is an American rescue dog owned by an Italian/French couple, so now, rather unpatriotically, only responds to commands in French. Since her Europeans take both US and French holidays she is almost permanently on vacation chez nous.

  Whereas Max is calm and friendly, Gypsy – like many Americans – is irrationally belligerent. She makes George W. Bush look like a pacifist. No other animal is safe and she is not above giving humans a nip if she doesn’t get exactly what she wants.

  Although I have defected to dogs I still like cats.

  Winston Churchill said, “Dogs look up to you. Cats look down on you…Give me a pig, they look you in the eye as an equal!”

  Once again, many thanks for the photos of the handsome beast, one of which is now adorning my fridge. [The one where Sheila and Mof appear to have been hitting the bottle]

  I intend to borrow your book, ‘Okinawa: Cold War Island’ as soon as I get my library card back. (I scribbled some vulgar comments about Christopher Hitchens’ bellicosity on the title page of his execrable book about Jefferson and was caught red-handed)

  All the best

  Andy

  PS Please find enclosed a five Euro note [I tried to find a Scottish pound note but couldn’t]. I like to support struggling young authors like you and Chalmers!

  ***********

  139 Elm Park Mansions

  Charlotte, NC 28262

  13 May 2006

  Donald H. Rumsfeld

  Secretary of Defense

  1000 Defense Pentagon

  Washington, DC 20301-1000

  Dear Mr Rumsfeld,

  I have just read an extraordinary article about you on a website called ‘Counterpunch.com’. The piece is the most libellous, defamatory, hatchet job I have ever beheld. You will, of course, go to litigation. I have enclosed $20 towards your legal costs.

  The article is entitled ‘Secretary of Lies’ and was penned by one Mike Whitney. His first sentence is the stunning, “Rumsfeld is a pathological liar.” Then follows a litany of insult and ad hominem obloquy:

  “Nothing (Rumsfeld) says can be trusted.”

  “When the photos showed up from Abu Ghraib, Rumsfeld feigned surprise. "A few bad apples", he moaned. Now we know he did everything except fit the prisoners with women's underwear.

  Nice touch, eh?

  Twisted bastard.”

  "We know where the weapons are, they're in the area around Tikrit".

  What a joke; it's like a carnival huckster pitching snake-oil to farm boys; nothing but smoke and mirrors; nothing but intellectual flatulence.”

  Then quotes from military critics, like the following, are ripped out of context and presented as veritas:

  "The decision to invade Iraq, was done with a casualness and swagger that are the special province of those who have never had to execute these missions, or bury the results." Lt. Gen. Gregory Newbold.

  Donald, Mr Whitney’s bile spews forth in a monstrous torrent for over 600 words. I look forward to seeing you sue the pants off this unpatriotic, slanderous scoundrel.

  If I can be of any other help to you please do not hesitate to contact me.

  Sincerely yours

  Andy Bain

  ************

  Defense Finance and Accounting Service

  6760 E. IRVINGTON PLACE

  DENVER COLORADO

  21 September 2006

  Mr. Andy Bain

  139 Elm Park Mansions

  Charlotte, NC 28262

  Dear Mr. Bain,

  Thank you for your letter and the $20 cash donation addressed to Mr. Rumsfeld, received May 15, 2006.

  Unfortunately, federal regulations forbid the acceptance of donations to the Department of Defense if the donor specifies a particular use for the funds. Since your letter indicates that you were donating funds to help defray Mr. Rumsfeld’s legal expenses, we were unable to process your donation.

  Your $20 cash donation is being returned to you in the form of a check. Your check will arrive shortly under separate cover.

  Again, thank you for your thoughtfulness.

  Sincerely

  M.T. Gingras

  DFAS-DE/ADGT

  CC: DCA files

  Under separate cover invoice from DoD and check for $20.

  ***********

  139 Elm Park Mansions.

  Charlotte, NC 28269

  Donald J. Trump

  The Trump Organization

  725 Fifth Avenue

  New York, NY 10022

  Wednesday, 30 April, 2008

  Dear Mr. Trump,

  Are you aware that a monstrous personal attack has been made on you in a new book called, ‘The Broken American Man – and how to fix him’ by the TV personality Rab
bi Shmuley Boteach?

  On page 9 this asininely opinionated cleric writes,

  “By any measure but money, Trump is a failure. He failed at two marriages. As a shallow braggart who cannot stop promoting himself and as someone who cannot stop ogling young, pretty females, he fails at being a refined gentleman…What has made this man a guru who attracts tens of millions of students? Is it that he has class? Come on! A sense of personal honor, perhaps? Give me a break. Nobility of spirit, depth of purpose? Nope. Is it his hair, perhaps? I think not.”

  If the sanctimonious Rabbi had any class himself he would avoid the vulgar, undignified, ad hominem attacks on a persons coiffure. The shaggy-bearded and abundantly hirsute Boteach is no oil painting himself, of course. In the photo on the back of his book he looks like a shabby overstuffed sofa, which has exploded.

  Donald, I am Scottish, can he say this in the US?

  No doubt your lawyers are already all over this tasteless and despicable slander. I would consider it a personal honor if you would accept the enclosed $20 towards your legal costs.

  Sincerely

  Andy Bain

  ************

  139 Elm Park Mansions.

  Charlotte, NC 28269

  Rabbi Shmuley’s Radio Show

  PO Box 61

  Englewood, NJ 07631

  Monday, May 5, 2008

  Dear Rabbi Boteach,

  Just devoured your exciting new book about soullessness and the heroism of the average American dad, ‘The Broken American Man”.

  I especially enjoyed your rapier-like evisceration of that ridiculous fop, Donald Trump. [But, Shmuley, aren’t you concerned that some malfeasant will bring your fearless denunciation to his attention and that ruinous litigation will ensue?]

  Rabbi, I enclose 20 bucks because I would like your advice.

  As you discuss on page 67 my teenage children have posters of half naked pop stars and steroid pumped sports personalities all over their walls and none of the real hero in their lives, i.e. me.

  So I had some posters made up. One of me, one of you, and one each of John Bolton and Dick Cheney and put them up in the kids room.

  Of course I expected the wails of protest from the kids but was astonished to find that my wife refuses to support me in this action.

  She declared that I was bonkers. I drew her attention to what you had written about fathers being hero’s and she said, “This guy sounds like a religious nutcase. What qualifications, other than imbibing bronze-age morality from the Torah, has this moron got for counseling people about their marriages?”