One of Us is F@#*in' Crazy - Letters to Great Americans Read online

  Cheney in 2012

  Yours sincerely

  Andy Bain

  ***********

  139 Elm Park Mansions.

  Charlotte, NC, 28269

  29 Sept. 2010

  Gen. Jack Keane (US Army Ret.)

  Keane Advisers LLC

  1345 Enterprise Dr.

  Suite 200

  West Chester, PA 19380

  Dear General Keane,

  You are quoted by the BBC series ‘Secret Iraq’ as saying,

  "The British suffered a defeat in Iraq…I think it was a huge mistake to pull out of Basra and to go out to the airfield and to leave the people of Basra to be subjected to the Iranian surrogates who brutalized them, intimidated them, terrorized them.”

  My neighbor Bill, an ex-pat Brit, brought it to my attention. He was just in here foaming at the mouth. He said,

  “The Iranian surrogates Keane is talking about are Iraqis i.e. the people who live in Iraq – and with 1 million Iraqis dead, who knows how many maimed, and 4 million Iraqis displaced these cheeky bloody Iraqis should know that brutalizing them, intimidating them and terrorizing them is our job. And we are bloody good at it.”

  I’m mystified how an un-American pinko like Bill can live in this country. Mind you, I don’t suppose the Brits would have him back, either.

  General, how would you have answered this turbulent Brit?

  He has discombobulated me a good deal.

  Please find enclosed a SASE to facilitate your reply.

  Yours sincerely

  Andy Bain

  PS. I see you are with ‘Kepplar Speakers’ bureau and your fee is in the range of $10,000 - $20,000 (Nice work if you can get it – well done) So I have also enclosed $10 – don’t want you working for nothing!

  ***********

  General Keane’s reply:

  Undated A4 page.

  Dear Mr. Bain,

  General Keane kindly declined to comment. Please find your $10 enclosed.

  ***********

  139 Elm Park Mansions

  Charlotte, NC 28262

  December 26, 2006

  Thomas E. Ricks

  The Washington Post

  1150 15th St. NW


  Washington, DC 20071

  Just finished your magisterial book, “Fiasco, The American Military Adventure in Iraq.” Thank you for writing it.

  I was amazed that you were able to find gallows humor among the carnage. On Page 425 you recounted the story of your WAPO colleague Jackie Spinner who spent nine months in Iraq.

  wrote, “One day near the Abu Ghraib prison, two men tried to shove the small, reserved Spinner into a car. Confusing her beginner’s Arabic phrases, she tried to yell that she was a journalist, but instead shouted, “I’m a vegetarian…which was also true, but irrelevant.”

  I also enjoyed your yarn about the Lt. Col. who, “baulked at the idea” he would have to attend a course, after three blood stained and futile years fighting an insurgency, on counterinsurgency theory. “You’re shittin’ me!” he declared. The reluctant soldier/ student’s name? – Lt. Col. Patrick Looney!

  Thomas, you couldn’t make this stuff up?

  But, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when I read this on page 431, “…the administration won’t admit to propounding tenuous links between Iraq and anti-US terrorism. This is arguably a greater error, (than refusing to admit it was wrong on WMD) because it may have contributed to the problem of some US troops’ conflating the war in Iraq and the 9/11 attacks and led some to treat Iraqis as despised terrorists rather than as the prize in the war.”

  The NYT recently reported that 50% of Americans, up from the previously ludicrous 36%, now think Iraq was involved in the 9/11 attacks.

  Thomas, how can we defend ourselves when half of our fellow citizens have their heads up their ass?

  Sincerely yours,

  Andy Bain

  ***********

  139 Elm Park Mansions.

  Charlotte, NC 28269

  28 Sept. 2010

  Thomas E. Ricks

  Center For A New American Security

  1301 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW


  Suite 403
Washington,

  D.C. 20004


  Dear Tom,

  Have you been alerted to the ignoble attack on your credibility by Commander Jeff Huber, U.S. Navy (Ret.) on a crazy website called ‘Antiwar.com? Huber writing about Bob Woodward’s new book ‘Obama”s Wars’ says:-

  “Woodward is the uncontested king of crony journalism…[h]is Washington Post colleague Thomas E. Ricks would give his remaining baby-maker to have the kind of clout, fame, and success that Woodward has. (Ricks sacrificed his other one to become head hagiographer to General David Petraeus)

  [embedded] reporters suffered from a form of Stockholm syndrome, where they so over-sympathized with their subjects that their objectivity vanished like a corporate pension fund…I strongly suspect this was part of what seduced Tom Ricks into David Petraeus’s bedroll…His books on the Iraq war did pretty well, and NBC fops like Chris Matthews and David Gregory kissed up to him on camera…But at core Ricks will never be more than a once credible journalist who turned slut-puppy for the Long Warmongers.”

  Tom, I take it you will sue? Please find enclosed $10, which I would be honored if you would use towards your legal fees. (What the hell is a slut-puppy anyway?)

  Far from being a hagiographer of U.S. generalship, as the ridiculous Huber claims, in ‘Fiasco’ you expose the military command as a bunch of incompetent, timeserving, balloons. Who can forget your rapier like evisceration of General Ray Odierno – ‘The Desert Ox’ – who you reveal, almost single-handedly provoked the insurgency in central Iraq by his moronic, berserker, violence.

  OK, in your next book ‘The Gamble’ you rather change your tune and Ray is portrayed as a cross between Clauswitz and Gandhi. But after a million dead Iraqis, 4000 dead and 30,000 maimed American kids even the dullest of generals will eventually recognize when they are up an excrementary channel without a method of propulsion.

  If I can be of any further assistance do not hesitate to contact me.

  Yours sincerely

  Andy Bain

  PS. Any chance of a signed photo? SASE enc. in case you can oblige.

  ************

  Handwritten reply:

  Hi,

  Thanks for this note. I am not going to sue, but your encouragement to do so cheered me up on a gloomy day!

  Best -

  Tom

  (Enc. $10)

  ************

  139 Elm Park Mansions.

  Charlotte, NC 28269

  28 Sept. 2010

  General James L. Jones

  National Security Adviser

  The White House


  1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW


  Washington, DC 20500

  Dear General Jones,

  Have you seen Bob Woodward’s unhelpful new book ‘Obama’s Wars’? The NYTs has recently promulgated the following incendiary words from this unpatriotic tome -

  “Mr. Biden called Mr. Holbrooke “the most egotistical bastard I’ve ever met,”…A variety of administration officials expressed scorn for James L. Jones, the retired Marine general who is national security adviser… “

  “Gen. Jones…is depicted…as a disgruntled whiner who regards the president…as “cerebral and distant,”…and who describes the president’s aides (including Mr. Emanuel, David Axelrod and Robert Gibbs) as “the water bugs” or the “Politburo…Mr. Jones uses “the kind of rhetoric that Obama had shied away from” (calling the conflict a…‘clash of religions’)”.

  A scorned, disgruntled, whiner! This is unspeakable.

  General, they are trying to portray you as some kind of demented religious nutcase who cannot get along with normal people and is frankly exhibiting signs of paranoia!!

  James, someone needs to be sued, I am not sure if it should be the sycophantic Woodword or the reptilian NYT.

&nbsp
; Please find enclosed $10 towards your legal fees. I’ll leave the target to you but sue one of these bastards (to use the Vice Presidents colorful term).

  Yours sincerely

  Andy Bain

  PS Is it true that President Hamid Karzai is a manic depressive? It’s distinctly unnerving to discover that our main ally is bonkers too. Though it does explain some of his extraordinary outbursts!

  ***********

  139 Elm Park Mansions.

  Charlotte, NC, 28269

  26 Sept., 2010

  Ben Stein

  The American Spectator


  1611 North Kent Street,

  Suite 901
Arlington,

  Virginia 22209

  Dear Sir,

  Has it been brought to you attention that, yesterday, a disgusting, knavish attack was made on you by the puerile, soi-disant humorist Bill Maher in his column in the Huffington Post?

  Litigation is inevitable! Please find enclosed $10 towards you legal costs – I would consider it a personal honor if you would accept this gift towards the pursuit of justice.

  Talking about the Obama tax hike the rebarbative scoundrel writes:-

  “…if you are earning more than a million dollars a year and are complaining about a 3.6% tax increase, then you are by definition a greedy asshole…

  …You know Ben Stein, the guy who got rich because when he talks it sounds so boring it's actually funny. He had a game show on Comedy Central, does eye drop commercials, doesn't believe in evolution?

  Yeah, that asshole.

  Ben whines…about how he's worked for every dollar he has…it's just that at a time when people in America are desperate and you're raking in the bucks promoting some sleazy Free Credit Score dot-com…maybe you shouldn't be asking us for sympathy. Instead, you should be down on your knees thanking God…that you were lucky enough to be born in a country where a useless schmuck who contributes absolutely nothing to society can somehow manage to find himself in the top marginal tax bracket.”

  Asshole…sleazy…useless schmuck…contributes absolutely nothing!! This is monstrous.

  So - one of the foremost proponents of Intelligent Design, a lawyer and speechwriter for President Nixon contributed nothing of value to society? This is risible.

  Ben, if I can be of any further assistance do not hesitate to contact me.

  Yours sincerely

  Andy Bain

  PS. Any chance of a photo of you? I have enclosed a SASE in case you can oblige.

  ***********

  139 Elm Park Mansions.

  Charlotte, NC, 28269

  27 Sept., 2010

  Steve Forbes

  Forbes Magazine

  
60 5th Avenue


  New York, NY 10011

  Dear Sir,

  Are you aware of the vile attack on you by Bill Maher in the preposterous on-line website ‘the Huffington Post’? Writing about the egregious Obama tax hike he says:-

  “Steve Forbes said that Obama, quote "believes from his inner core that people... above a certain income have more than they should have and that many probably have gotten it from ill-gotten ways."

  Which they have.

  Steve Forbes, of course, came by his fortune honestly: he inherited it from his gay egg-collecting, Elizabeth Taylor fag-hagging father, who inherited it from his father. Of course then they moan about the inheritance tax, how the government took 55% percent when Daddy died -- which means you still got 45% for doing nothing more than starting out life as your father's pecker-snot.”

  Maher reveals himself to be a homophobic, communist, vulgarian.

  Steve, you must sue! Please find enclosed $10 towards your legal costs.

  Yours sincerely

  Andy Bain

  PS. Could you send a signed photo of yourself? I’d be most grateful. SASE enclosed in case you can oblige.

  PPS. Steve, note Maher’s attempt to smear your father as an egg thief. His readers are left in ignorance that it was fabulously expensive, jewel encrusted Faberge Eggs not the avian type which your pop collected. Dishonest scoundrel.

  ************

  FORBES

  60 Fifth Avenue

  New York, N.Y. 10011 FIRST CLASS MAIL 10/08/2010

  Andy Bain

  Enc. 7” X 10” Photo of Steve Forbes

  To Andy Bain –

  Best Wishes !

  Steve Forbes

  (No $10 bill!!! – Mr. Forbes is a billionaire)

  ************

  139 Elm Park Mansions.

  Charlotte, NC, 28269 13 October, 2010

  Steve Forbes

  Forbes Magazine

  
60 5th Avenue


  New York, NY 10011

  Dear Mr. Forbes,

  Many thanks for the charming photograph of you, which arrived safely yesterday.

  That you retained the $10 I sent indicates that you intend to go to litigation over Bill Maher’s outrageous slanders. (Unless you are simply trousering the cash as any self-respecting billionaire would – no I’m only joshing!)

  That being the case I enclose another $10 towards your legal costs and I will keep my eyes peeled for the start of the trial.

  If I can be of any further assistance do not hesitate to contact me.

  Yours sincerely

  Andy Bain

  PS. Steve, do you intend to run again for President in 2012? ‘Time Magazine’ described your campaigning style as a, “"comedy-club impression of what would happen if some mad scientist decided to construct a dork robot” but I’m sure your awkward delivery must have improved since then!

  ***********

  STEVE FORBES

  CHAIRMAN & CEO

  EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

  November 2, 2010

  Mr. Andy Bain

  139 Elm Park Mansions.

  Charlotte, 28269

  Dear Mr. Bain:

  Why enrich lawyers? Maher’s diatribe had virtually no traction! Put the money in your 401(K)!!

  Sincerely

  Steve Forbes

  SF:mm

  Enclosure ($20)

  ***********

  139 Elm Park Mansions.

  Charlotte, NC, 28269

  Sept. 22, 2010

  Rahm Emanuel

  White House Chief of Staff

  The White House


  1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW


  Washington, DC 20500

  Dear Rahm,

  Have you been alerted to the truly monstrous open letter which appeared on Michael Moore’s blog at his demented website on Sept. 6th?

  Litigation is inexorable and I would consider it an honor if you accepted the enclosed $10 towards your legal fees.

  Here is some of what the lunatic wrote.

  “Dear Rahm Emanuel:

  Happy Fuckin' Labor Day!

  I read this week that — according to a new book by Steven Rattner, your administration's former "Car Czar" — during White House meetings about how to save the tens of thousands of jobs that would be lost if GM and Chrysler collapsed, your response was, "Fuck the UAW! (United Auto Workers)

  So, let me give you a little fucking lesson (a lesson I happen to know because my fucking uncle was in the sit-down strike that founded the fucking UAW).

 Before… unions…Working people didn't get to send their kids to college, few were able to own their own fucking home, nobody could take a fucking day off for a funeral or a sick day or they might lose their fucking job.

  Then working people organized themselves into unions. The bosses and the companies fucking hated that. In fact, they were often overheard to say, "Fuck the UAW!!!"

  You see, Rahm, when people earn a fucking good wage, they spend it on stuff, which then creates more good paying jobs, and then the middle class grows fucking big. Did you know that back when I was a kid if you had a parent making a union wage, only one parent had to work...Dad had four weeks paid vacation. We all had free health and dental care. And anyone with decent grades went to colleg
e and it didn't fucking bankrupt them.

  Then a Republican fired all the air traffic controllers, a Democrat gave us NAFTA and millions of jobs were moved overseas (hey, didn't you work in that White House, too? "Fuck the UAW, baby!").

  Unions got scared and beaten down, a frat boy became president and, like a drunk out of control, spent all our fucking money and our children's money, too. Fuck. 

And now your assistant's grandma has to work at fucking McDonald's…I'll bet grandma doesn't say "Fuck the UAW!"

  Hey, don't get me wrong, Rahm. I fucking like you. You single-handedly got the House returned to the Dems in 2006. But you and your boss better do something fucking quick to put people back to work. How 'bout making it a crime to take an American job and move it out of the country?

  Or how 'bout arresting some of those Wall Street guys who fucking stole our money, the money that ran the American economy. Now that would take some fucking guts.

 And maybe, just maybe, that one act of real guts might save your ass come November 2nd.



  Oh, I can just hear you now: "Fuck Michael Moore!" No problem. But Fuck the UAW? How 'bout if I just leave off the ‘A’ and the ‘W’?
 “

  Rahm, to use one of your favorite phrases, “that’s f@#*in’ retarded”. (I see you had to apologize to the chief executive of the Special Olympics after some stoolpigeon ratted you out for using that quip in a private meeting. ‘kin’ morons!)

  Sir, if I can be of any further assistance just let me know.

  Yours sincerely

  Andy Bain

  PS. Any chance of a signed photo? I have included a SASE in case you can oblige.

  ************

  139 Elm Park Mansions.

  Charlotte, NC 28269

  Sept. 2, 2010

  Matt Miller

  Senior fellow

  Center for American Progress

  1333 H Street NW

  10th Floor


  Washington DC, 20005

  Dear Mr. Miller,

  Read your searing article in today’s Washington Post.

  In “My Iraq Mistake’ you wrote, “…taking stock of America’s role in Iraq, I want to remind you that I blew it…I supported the war in 2003… I've been struggling with what my mistake means ever since.”

  Surely what it means is that your employer, the Washington Post, inevitably supported the criminal carnage in Iraq and as a salaried columnist you could hardly denounce your own bosses as crazed, pusillanimous, warmongers? Had you, recklessly, stood up for peace and justice you would have found your ass out on the street quicker than you could say, “bought and paid for wee toady”.