One of Us is F@#*in' Crazy - Letters to Great Americans Read online

  139 Elm Park Mansions.

  Charlotte, NC 28269

  2 November 2010

  Joe Urschel

  Executive Director

  Newseum

  555 Pennsylvania Ave., N.W.

  Washington, DC 20001

  Dear Mr. Urschel,

  My family had the immense pleasure of visiting your museum on the 1st of October. After our tour we stood for a moment admiring the 45 words of the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, etched into the stone panel overlooking Pennsylvania Ave.

  Imagine our shock when members of your staff suddenly draped a gigantic banner over the 1st Amendment which blared in enormous letters, "MR. OBAMA: END THESE FUCKING WARS! WAR IS THE OBSCENITY."

  I know you media types are liberal but this is ridiculous!

  I immediately covered my granddaughter’s eyes but I fear she read the offending aphorism anyway. My grandson (10) definitely did because he began to laugh hysterically and, encouraged by some adolescents, began chanting, ‘End these Fucking Wars”.

  Joe, we hurried the children away but as you can imagine our day out was irretrievably spoiled. The children are still traumatized. In the circumstances I assume you will feel obliged to refund our entrance fee?

  Yours sincerely

  Andy Bain

  PS. Enclosed is a SASE to facilitate your reply.

  **********

  139 Elm Park Mansions.

  Charlotte, NC 28269

  25 October, 2010

  John F. Burns

  New York Times

  
620 Eighth Avenue


  New York, NY 10018

  Dear Mr. Burns,

  Are you aware that a vicious article about you has appeared in Salon.com penned by one Glenn Greenwald?

  Please find enclosed $10, which it would give me immense pleasure if you would use towards suing the author of this disreputable attack.

  Greenwald writes, “there is now a major, coordinated effort underway to smear WikiLeaks' founder, Julian Assange, and to malign his mental health…the low point of this smear campaign was led by The New York Times' John Burns, who authored a sleazy hit piece on Assange-- filled with every tawdry, scurrilous tabloid rumor about him…”

  “Apparently, faced with hundreds of thousands of documents vividly highlighting stomach-turning war crimes and abuses -- death squads and widespread torture and civilian slaughter all as part of a war he admired for years and which his newspaper did more than any other single media outlet to enable -- John Burns and his NYT editors decided that the most pressing question from this leak is this:  what's Julian Assange really like?

  Of course, even for a borderline-sociopath, the guilt that one must experience for having enabled and cheered on a War that led to the amount of human suffering evident in these documents must be immense.  The temptation to smear the messenger is undoubtedly a strong one.  But no matter how much distracting sleaze Burns and his newspaper wallow in and spew at Assange, that damn spot won't come out.

  “The New York Times…Serving the Government's interests, siding with government and military officials, and attacking government critics is what they do.  That's their role.  That's what makes them the "establishment media."  Beyond that, the last thing they want is renewed recognition of what an evil travesty the attack on Iraq was, given the vital role they know they played in helping to bring it about and sustain it for all those years And by serving as the 2010 version of the White House Plumbers -- acting as attack dogs against the Pentagon's enemies…”

  Sleazy, borderline-sociopath, attack dog!!!

  John, this is monstrous!! They are trying to portray you as a demented, sycophantic, toady rather than a serious, honest journalist.

  If I can be of any further assistance please do not hesitate to get in touch.

  Yours sincerely

  Andy Bain

  PS. Any chance of a signed photo? I have included a SASE in case you can oblige.

  ***********

  139 Elm Park Mansions.

  Charlotte, NC 28269

  14 October 2010

  Madeleine Albright

  555 Thirteenth Street, NW

  
Suite 300

  West
 Columbia Square

  
Washington, DC 20004

  Dear Secretary of State,

  Are you aware that the new autobiography by General Hugh Shelton, ‘Without Hesitation - the Odyssey of an American Warrior’ makes a damaging claim about one of his colleagues at the Whitehouse and that various reptiles on the World Wide Web are implying the culprit is you?

  Shelton claims that, “At one of my very first breakfasts (Oct. 1997)…one of the Cabinet members present leaned over to me and said, “Hugh…what we really need in order to go in and take out Saddam is a precipitous event—Could you have one of our U-2s fly low enough—and slow enough—so as to guarantee that Saddam could shoot it down?”

  The hair on the back of my neck bristled, my teeth clenched, and my fists tightened. I was so mad I was about to explode. I looked across the table, thinking about the pilot in the U-2 and responded, “Of course we can . . .” which prompted a big smile on the official’s face.

  “You can?” was the excited reply.

  “Why, of course we can,” I countered. “Just as soon as we get your ass qualified to fly it, I will have it flown just as low and slow as you want to go.”

  Madeleine, this portrays you as a stonehearted, Machiavellian, hoodlum.

  It is already being linked to your, admitted, blunder on 60 Minutes when Lesley Stahl asked, "We have heard that half a million children have died [as a result of sanctions on Iraq]. I mean, that's more children than died in Hiroshima. And, you know, is the price worth it?"

  You replied: "I think this is a very hard choice, but the price — we think the price is worth it.”

  However, that was Iraqis, about which no one knows or cares in the US. Much more damaging is the accusation that you contemplated squandering the life of one of our heroes to manufacture a squalid little war with Saddam!

  Denial and litigation are ineluctable. Please find $10 towards the legal fees. If we move fast we can nip this in the bud.

  If I can be of any further assistance do not hesitate to contact me.

  Yours sincerely

  Andy Bain

  PS. Any chance of a signed photo, Madeleine?

  ***********

  139 Elm Park Mansions.

  Charlotte, NC 2826911 October, 2010

  Congressman Ron Paul

  203 Cannon House Office Building

  Washington, DC 20515

  Dear Congressman,

  You provided a foreword for Judge Napolitano’s little book, ‘Lies The Government Told you.’ Well done.

  The Judge is sound on the Iraq War (against), Torture (against) and the War on Drugs (against). But I thought I had better give you a heads up on his chapter on Gun Control in case you quote him and find out later that his positions on firearms are crapulent.

  On page 105 he writes, “Guns are used defensively (by US citizens) more than two million times per year…”

  Prima facie this is bonkers! The US would be like the Wild West with citizens pulling pistols out of handbags and blasting away in the malls every week.

  Napolitano bases this statistic on the ‘junk science’ of one John R. Lott author of ‘More Guns, Less Crime’.

  Michelle Malkin, no lily-livered liberal, writing on ‘Townhall.com’ says -

  “The most disturbing charge…is that Lott fabricated a study claiming that 98 percent of defensive gun uses involved mere brandishing, as opposed to shooting. When Lott cited the statistic peripherally on page three of his book, he attributed it to "national surveys." In the second edition, he changed the citation to "a national survey that I conducted.

  Lott claims to have lost all of his data due to a computer crash. He financed the survey himself and kept no financial records. He has forgotten the names of the students who allegedly helped with the s
urvey and who supposedly dialed thousands of survey respondents long-distance from their own dorm rooms using survey software Lott can't identify or produce. Assuming the survey data was lost in a computer crash, it is still remarkable that Lott could not produce a single, contemporaneous scrap of paper proving the survey's existence, such as the research protocol or survey instrument.”

  Lott now admits he used a fake persona, "Mary Rosh," to post voluminous defenses of his work over the Internet. "Rosh" gushed that Lott was "the best professor that I ever had." She/he also penned an effusive review of More Guns, Less Crime on Amazon.com: "It was very interesting reading and Lott writes very well." (Lott claims that one of his sons posted the review in "Rosh's" name.)

  But Lott's invention of Mary Rosh to praise his own research and blast other scholars is beyond creepy. And it shows his extensive willingness to deceive to protect and promote his work.

  But it wasn't an anti-gun zealot who unmasked Rosh/Lott. It was Julian Sanchez, a staffer at the libertarian Cato Institute, which staunchly defends the Second Amendment. And it was the conservative Washington Times that first reported last week on the survey dispute…”

  Ron, this guy Lott may be a charlatan and the Judge may be a shyster who doesn’t fact check.

  Don’t trust a word they say.

  Ron Paul for President in 2012!!

  Yours sincerely

  Andy Bain

  PS. Any chance of a signed photo? Enclosed $10 and SASE in case you can oblige.

  ***********

  U.S. House of Representatives

  Washington, D.C. 20515

  PUBLIC DOCUMENT

  OFFICIAL BUSINESS

  RON PAUL M.C.

  ENCLOSED: Signed Photo of Congressman Ron Paul

  To Andy

  For Liberty

  Ron Paul

  ***********

  139 Elm Park Mansions.

  Charlotte, NC 28269

  11 October, 2010

  Newt Gingrich

  Gingrich Communications

  1425 K Street, NW

  Suite 350

  Washington, DC 20005

  Dear Mr. Gingrich,

  Just read your interview in National Review Online with Bob Costa. Bravo Newt!

  Speaking about Dinesh D’Souza’s new book, ‘The Roots of Obama’s Rage’ you say,

  “D’Souza has made a “stunning insight” into Obama’s behavior —

  [Obama] is so outside our comprehension, that only if you understand Kenyan, anti-colonial behavior, can you begin to piece together [his actions]?

  This is a person who is fundamentally out of touch with how the world works, who happened to have played a wonderful con, as a result of which he is now president…

  Obama [has a] worldview that is fundamentally wrong about reality…if you look at the continuous denial of reality [it] is just factually insane.”

  Of course the liberals have gone mad! Eugene Robinson in WAPO writes –

  “Is Newt Gingrich just pretending to have lost his mind, or has he actually gone around the bend? His lunacy certainly seems genuine enough…The man's…unhinged.”

  Richard Capehart calls you a, “huckster and xenophobe” and Richard Cohen says you, “give him the willies.”

  Maureen Dowd in the NYTs says,

  “Newt Gingrich is truly gaga. The 67-year-old former speaker… is more unbridled than ever.”

  And Eric Alterman in ‘The Nation’ describes you as ‘Crazy’ and one of the, “demagogues who prey on the ignorance of the uninformed.”

  Newt, either you and I are truly bonkers or you have uncovered a profound truth about Barack Obama and hit a raw nerve with the ‘secular humanists’.

  Please find enclosed $10 – for you personally Newt, don’t be giving it to the RNC, - I’m an independent!

  Gingrich in 2012

  Yours sincerely

  Andy Bain

  PS. Any chance of a signed photo? Have included a SASE incase you can oblige.

  **********

  139 Elm Park Mansions.

  Charlotte, NC 28269

  8 October, 2010

  Isabel Macdonald

  The Nation Magazine

  33 Irving Place

  New York, New York 10003

  Dear Ms. Macdonald,

  Just watched you on CNN debating the geriatric xenophobe Lou Dobbs about your article ‘American Hypocrite’ which showed that Lou had been employing un-papered Hispanics on his properties and to care for his million dollar ponies.

  Isabel, you accomplished the seemingly impossible - you made me feel sorry for the pasty-faced old tub of lard!

  It was like watching a precocious and pulchritudinous granddaughter mug her blubbery, semi-senile grandparent and then kick him to a pulp.

  Watching the obese, rubbery, racist squirm and twist while you, with ice-cold poise, eviscerated his two-faced hypocrisy was toe-curlingly excruciating.

  Intellectually, of course, I know the silly old fascist fully merited the public humiliation of being shown to be a mendacious, thuggish, moron but I wondered, as you were applying trauma to his ugly cranium, if perhaps a twinge of pity for him passed through your mind too?

  Isabel, please find enclosed 10 bucks (for you personally mind – on no account donate it to ‘The Nation’, a Marxist organ, which I deplore).

  Could I suggest your next target should be Bill O’Reilly? I would love to see you deliver a boot in the bollocks to that loutish hobgoblin!

  Yours in peace

  Andy Bain

  ***********

  139 Elm Park Mansions.

  Charlotte, NC 28269

  7 October, 2010

  Judge Andrew P. Napolitano

  Senior Judicial Analyst

  Fox News

  1211 Avenue of the Americas,

  New York, NY 10036

  Dear Judge Napolitano,

  Reading, and loving, your latest book ‘Lies the Government Told You’.

  On page 105, I was flabbergasted to learn that, “Guns are used defensively (by US citizens) more than two million times per year…”

  I showed the above quote to my 17-year-old daughter, who is studying Statistics, all she said was, “Junk Science.”

  I replied, “Are you seriously trying to suggest that a US Judge is waffling like a moron in a serious work of jurisprudence?’

  “I could prove it in ten minutes”, she said.

  Andrew, unfortunately, I think she has. Like this: -

  Your footnote No. 19 directs to ‘Robert A. Levy, Cato Institute’ he directs to John R. Lott Jr. the source of the 2 million figure.

  Wikipedia has this on Mr. Lott,

  “Lott created and used "Mary Rosh" as a fake persona to defend his own works …posing as Rosh, [Lott] not only praised his own academic writing, but also called himself "the best professor I ever had".

  he praised himself while posing as one of his former students…"Rosh" was used to post a favorable review of More Guns, Less Crime on Amazon.com. Lott has claimed that the "Rosh" review was written by his son and wife.

  "I probably shouldn't have done it—I know I shouldn't have done it…Lott told the Washington Post in 2003.”

  At www.JohnLott.org you can find the raw data from the survey Lott conducted in 2002.

  In a telephone survey run by 8 students (using their own phones?) 1015 people were asked if they had been physically threatened in the last year. 114 said they had. That 114 were asked if they had used a gun defensively – 13 said yes.

  So 1.125% of the survey had used a gun defensively. There were 206.99 million adults over 20 at the time, ergo 206,990,000 X 1.125% = 2,328,637 defensive gun uses in 2002.

  Andrew, given the minute size of the sample, even I can see that this is puerile.

  That 114 people, reported being menaced a total of 467 times in the last year!! Even the young students reported that they suspected 23 cases of fabricated reporting.

  Judge, I suspect that you, lik
e me, feel like a credulous simpleton now. My daughter taunted me, “ Dad you’ve paid 25 bucks for a work of fiction.”

  Andrew, do you have any other source for the 2 million statistic other than the mountebank Lott?

  Please find enclosed a SASE (and $10 – can’t have the judiciary working gratis) to facilitate a reply.

  Yours sincerely

  Andy Bain

  PS. Even Michelle Malkin, no pinko liberal, I’m sure you’ll allow, writes, “But Lott's invention of Mary Rosh to praise his own research and blast other scholars is beyond creepy. And it shows his extensive willingness to deceive to protect and promote his work.”

  ************

  139 Elm Park Mansions.

  Charlotte, NC 28269

  5 October 2010

  Michael Walsh

  AKA David Kahane

  National Review

  215 Lexington Avenue

  New York, NY 10016

  Dear Michael,

  I am reading your hilarious (and erudite) book, ‘Rules for Radical Conservatives – Beating the Left at its Own Game To Take Back America’. It is laugh out loud funny and I have a dictionary to hand to deal with the intentional verbosity!

  Your humor very much reminds me of my old Daddy’s dry wit.

  On page 22-23 you recount the “battle…at Kent State in May 1970.”

  The students were chanting, “Pigs off campus…The kids threw rocks and empty tear-gas canisters. And then the Guard fired back – not with rocks but with real, live bullets. In thirteen seconds, sixty-seven rounds were fired and when the shooting stopped, four kids lay dead.”

  “The minute those young Guardsmen turned their M1s on the crowd, and the student protesters got an ugly lesson in the first rule of protest – never throw rocks at guys with guns…”

  I remember well my daddy’s reaction when he saw the TV pictures of the shootings, he said, “What’s this country coming to? The National Guard was just 100 yards from those kids…(pause)…and they only got four?”

  We all sat round the TV watching reruns of the students lying dead on the grass roaring with laughter at my Daddy’s witticism.

  I showed those two pages to my student daughter and told her about her Granddaddy’s joke.

  She said, “What kind of human being would gloat over the execution of 19 year old kids? Even this twisted nut job Walsh couldn’t have been in favor of killing even more students that day!”

  Michael, I have bet her $20 that the only thing you deprecate about that day was the atrocious aim of the guardsmen!

  Please find enclosed $10, which is your cut of the winnings and a SASE to facilitate your reply.