One of Us is F@#*in' Crazy - Letters to Great Americans Page 2
Yours sincerely
Andy Bain
PS I have my own copy of your latest book, ‘God is not Great’. If I add to it, your signed epistle “To Whom It May Concern” it occurs to me that the book might be quite valuable. Would you object to me selling them on e-bay? I desperately need money to pay, what may be, the largest library fine in history!
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139 Elm Park Mansions.
Charlotte, NC 28269
Christopher E. Hitchens
Washington, DC 20009-1317
Saturday, November 28th 2007
Dear Christopher,
Apropos my importuning epistle of the 15th inst., please ignore. I have successfully sold your letter on e-bay to some simpleton for $1,000. So I have been able to redeem my library card.
Thank you for your indirect pecuniary assistance in this unfortunate episode.
Yours sincerely
Andy Bain
PS Have you heard about the wonderful Librarian Ray Martin? (Quoted in Michael Shermer’s ‘Why People believe Weird Things’, P. 138)
He wrote a guide for Christians called, ‘Reviewing and Correcting Encyclopedias’. He wrote, “[Encyclopedias]…represent the philosophies of…humanists. This is obvious by the bold display of pictures that are used to illustrate painting, art and sculpture…one of the areas that needs correction is immodesty due to nakedness and posture. This can be corrected by drawing clothes on the figures or blotting out entire pictures with a magic marker…When sections needing correction are too thick, paste the pages together…”
Christopher, I shall be reviewing all your verbose and belligerent scribblings with a tube of Gorilla glue to hand.
PPS Hitch, have you seen the gratuitous, ad hominem insults by Tariq Ali on YouTube. He denounces you as, “a pompous so-and-so…a narcissist…a renegade…an alcoholic fascist”?
I do take strong exception to Tariq describing you as an alcoholic.
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139 Elm Park Mansions
Charlotte, NC 28262
17 May 2006
Washington Speakers Bureau
1663 Prince St.
Alexandria, VA 22314
Dear Sir or Madam,
I am the newly appointed secretary of ‘Charlotte for Responsible American Power’ a non-partisan citizens group which seeks to raise awareness on our country’s immense power and our concomitant responsibilities.
We would like to invite General Colin Powell, USA (Ret.) to address our inaugural meeting, which will take place, provisionally, at Charlotte’s North Carolina Performing Arts Center on Sat. 26th August 2006 at 7.30pm.
We anticipate an audience of approximately 500.
I would be grateful if you could let me know ASAP as to the General’s availability (we can be flexible on the date) and normal fee.
As to the subject of General Powell’s address, we will be guided by his advice but our committee has asked me to suggest the following possibilities;
Lies and fabrications they didn’t tell me about.
“Morons, idiots and nefarious bastards” (A quote from Colin’s top assistant Lawrence Wilkerson about Cheney et al.)
In front of a Global TV audience of two billion, how I became the biggest liar in History.
I have enclosed $20 as a first instalment towards Colin’s remuneration.
Support President Bush
Sincerely yours,
Andy Bain
Secretary
Charlotte for Responsible American Power
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Headed Notepaper from ‘Washington Speakers Bureau”
14 June 2006
Mr Andy Bain
139 Elm Park Mansions
Charlotte, NC 28262
Dear Mr Bain:
Enclosed are the twenty-dollar bill and the note you forwarded recently. Please accept their return to you.
Sincerely
Leslie Lautenslager
Enclosure
1663 Prince Street, Alexandria, VA 22314
www.WashingtonSpeakers.com
A Reputation for Great Speakers
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139 Elm Park Mansions
Charlotte, NC 28262
05 June 2006
Leslie Lautenslager
Washington Speakers Bureau
1663 Prince Street
Alexandria, VA 23314
Dear Mr Lautenslager,
From your note of the 14th I take it that General Powell will be unable to join us. Obviously we will need another personality.
I notice that you also represent Lou Dobbs the CNN anchorman.
Would the podgy xenophobe be available to come to Charlotte in August? He can speak on anything except Mexicans – he has rather a bee in his bonnet about Hispanics and tends to be a bit monotonous on the subject.
Sincerely yours,
Andy Bain
Sec. Charlotte for Responsible American Power (CRAP)
PS. I recently read that Colin charges the astonishing figure of $200,000 for half an hour’s talk. Thank God he couldn’t make it.
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139 Elm Park Mansions.
Charlotte, NC 28269
Friday, April 18, 2008
Michael Scheuer
Georgetown University
Center for Peace Studies
Box 571029
Mortara Building
Washington, DC 20057-1029
Dear Mr Scheuer,
I have just put down your momentous new book, “Marching Toward Hell – America and Islam after Iraq”.
Please find enclosed $20 in support of your work at the Center for Peace Studies.
I was deeply moved when you wrote on page 197, “America today would be…a far safer place if…we had fire-bombed Kabul and Khandahar, demolished whatever ruins were left, and sown salt over the length and width of both sites.”
I showed the above passage to my daughter, a university student, (whose judgement has been addled by atheism and rap music) and told her you had been Chief of the CIA’s bin Laden Tracking Unit. Of course she deprecated your robust strategy.
She said, “Kabul is a city of three million souls, is this Christian nutcase really advocating the immolation of millions of women and children?”
“Damn right he is,” I replied.
Sir, keep saying the unthinkable! America needs scholars who will say, “I will not turn the other cheek…I will punch your head in, then set you on fire.”
Support Mr Cheney
Sincerely
Andy Bain
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139 Elm Park Mansions.
Charlotte, NC 28269
July 17, 2008
David Klinghoffer, Senior Fellow
Discovery Institute
208 Columbia Street
Seattle, WA 98104
Dear Mr Klinghoffer,
I have been reading your wonderful book, ‘How Would God Vote – Why the Bible Commands You to be a Conservative”.
I am mystified by your exegesis about contamination by birth, menstruation, seminal emission and sleep. However, you are sound on abortion (against), lesbians (against) and evolution (against) so it was with shock that I reached Page 142 and read the stunning, “As I was writing this book, I changed my mind about gun control…I admit I was wrong about gun control. On this the liberals may be right “!!
Talk about a kick in the teeth. As you begin writing the book you have a rock solid biblical explanation as to why the National Rifle Association is a Godly organization but half way through, just because a nutjob shoots 32 people at Virginia Tech, you pull a biblical explanation out of your ass arguing the diametrically opposite position!?!
That new position appears to be that not enough people in the US are culturally religious. “…gun control comes down…to a question about the nature of our society. Is it “religious” enough to merit free access to fire arms? Can Americans be trusted?”
Quoting the cath
olic Glenmary Research Center in Nashville you claim that Americans who actually practice their religion, as distinct from those who merely identify themselves as religious, is only 49.6 percent. Therefore, you write, “God would vote to review our nation’s laws granting such freedom of gun ownership.”
I was bamboozled. Then, thank G-d, I spotted a simple arithmetical mistake.
The 49.6 percent of religious practitioners is made up of 47.4 percent Christians and 2.2 percent Jews. David, the dopey people at Glenmary have left out all those millions of Muslims who conscientiously practice their religion.
But, David, you are the biblical scholar not me. Do you think I am right on this one? Can we have handguns after all?
Please find enclosed a SAE and 20 bucks – we can’t have a senior fellow working gratuitously!
Sincerely
Andy Bain
139 Elm Park Mansions.
Charlotte, NC 28269
July 31, 2008
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Wayne LaPierre CEO
National Rifle Association of America
11250 Waples Mill Road
Fairfax, VA 22030
Dear Mr. LaPierre,
Can I urgently bring to your attention the writings of one David Klinghoffer, author of the recent book, ‘How Would God Vote? - Why the Bible Commands You to be a Conservative’ and a Senior Fellow at the, normally dependable, creationist ‘Discovery Institute’?
I was innocently reading and enjoying the book until Page 142 where Klinghoffer drops this bombshell, “As I was writing this book, I changed my mind about gun control…I admit I was wrong about gun control. On this the liberals may be right “!!
Wayne, I was cleaning a Smith and Wesson Model 19 blued steel ‘Combat Magnum’ when I read this and nearly shot my foot off in surprise.
This renegade is hoodwinking honest folk into reading his tract. The title leads unsuspecting readers to expect absolutely mainstream conservative positions. He is sound on Immigration (against) sound on Climate Change (Liberal propaganda) and sound on taxation (an abomination – especially when extorted by Democrats). So it will bewilder and confuse any 2nd Amendment supporters who naively stumble into this liberal trap.
An ‘Alert Bulletin’ to all NRA members advising them of this lunatic’s apostasy seems essential. A sharply worded letter, from you, to the Discovery Institute denouncing this poltroon also seems called for. But you are the politics guy not me. I will leave the details to you.
Sincerely
Andy Bain
PS. Please find enclose $20. Please rush me membership of the NRA.
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National Rifle Association of America
11250 Waples Mill Road
Fairfax, Virginia 2230
www.NRA.ORG
NRA - Wayne LaPierre
Executive Vice President
Andy Bain
139 Elm Park Mansions.
Charlotte, NC 28269-1318
Dear NRA Member,
Thank you very much for your great support of the National rifle Association and for being part of our NRA family. It’s a privilege to have you on our team and I look forward to working with you to strengthen our Second Amendment rights and America’s great hunting and shooting heritage.
Enclosed with this letter are just a few of your NRA benefits including your new Membership Card, and your official decal for your car or truck…
Thank you again for being part of our NRA family.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely
(Signed) Wayne LaPierre
Executive Vice President
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139 Elm Park Mansions.
Charlotte, NC 28269
August 29, 2008
Wayne LaPierre - Executive Vice President
National Rifle Association of America
11250 Waples Mill Road
Fairfax, Virginia 22030
Dear Mr. LaPierre,
I was delighted to receive in this morning’s mail my brand new NRA membership card.
I have been showing it off to all my liberal friends who are aghast. They think I have gone off my head.
The NRA decal has caused a bit of domestic strife as I strategically placed it to slightly overlap my good lady wife’s ‘Obama 08’ sign on the truck. She claims it is preposterous for two vegetarians who don’t own a firearm to be traipsing about with an NRA bumper sticker on their vehicle. The poor woman is clueless as to the necessity of a ‘well regulated militia’.
Wayne, am I fully paid up? I thought annual membership of the NRA cost hundreds of dollars and viewed the 20 bucks I sent you as simply a down payment. Let me know if I owe any outstanding monies.
Also, Wayne, did you fire off a coruscating epistle to the morons at ‘The Discovery Institute’ specifically the cretin Klinghoffer who ‘now’ thinks Liberals are right about gun control?
I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely
Andy Bain NRA member 156859288
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DISCOVERY INSTITUTE
208Columbis Street
SEATTLE, WA98104
9/15/08
Andy,
Thanks for the comments!
I don't think I can accept the $20 - not sure what it is for.
David
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139 Elm Park Mansions
Charlotte, NC 28269
July 14, 2010
General James Mattis
Commander Centcom
U.S. Central Command
7115 south Boundary Boulevard
MacDill AFB
FL 33621-5101
Dear General (Mad Dog) Mattis,
You are my kind of general! So what if the liberal pansies are shocked by your robust ejaculations? My pacifist wife nearly fainted when I showed her some of your martial aphorisms: -
“Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet.”
“I come in peace. I didn’t bring artillery. But I’m pleading with you, with tears in my eyes: If you f--k with me, I’ll kill you all.”
“You go into Afghanistan, you got guys who slap women around for five years because they didn’t wear a veil. You know, guys like that ain’t got no manhood left anyway. So it’s a hell of a lot of fun to shoot them. Actually it’s quite fun to fight them, you know. It’s a hell of a hoot. It’s fun to shoot some people. I’ll be right up there with you, I like brawling.”
James, have you seen the mendacious article by Michael Gerson in this mornings WAPO which libels you? Please find enclosed $10 towards your legal costs as I am sure you will sue Gerson’s ass off. He writes: -
“During the worst of the Iraq war, Mattis tried to persuade an Iraqi that America would not cut and run. "I told him I had found a little piece of property down on the Euphrates River and I was going to have a retirement home built there.”
James from the above aphorisms it is transparent that you are a consummate practitioner of President Nixon’s’ ‘Madman Strategy, i.e. make the enemy believe they are dealing with a maniac. But the point is to appear dangerously unstable not, as Gerson implies, completely bonkers!
Yours sincerely
Andy Bain
General, if you decide not to proceed with litigation against Gerson buy a couple of bullets, on me, and have some fun!!
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139 Elm Park Mansions.
Charlotte, NC 28269
9 November 2010
Jane Mayer
The New Yorker
4 Times Square
New York, NY 10036
Dear Ms. Mayer,
Just finished your superb book, ‘The Dark Side – The Inside Story of How The War on Terror Turned into A War on American Ideals’. Bravo!
Aside from the Vice President, and that sophomoric ignoramus Bush, the main culprit responsible for all the twisted torture was, according to you, the foul-mouthed, amoral, thug Dav
id Addington, Cheney’s chief of staff.
I especially liked the lawyer you quote on page 51 who wondered of Addington, “How did this lunatic end up running the country?”
Jane, I have a question. On Page 9 you write, “…America [has] done more than any nation on earth to abolish torture and other violations of human rights.”
This is rather a startling declamation. Especially since on page 144 you write, “He [Cheney] was particularly impressed with the Vietnam War-era Phoenix Program. Critics, including military historians, have described it as a program of state sponsored torture and murder.” (Emphasis added)
And, as a result of reading your book I had a look at Human Rights First’s document, “Tortured Justice”, 2008. On page 28 they write,
“…at least by the 1980s, the CIA had begun developing “offensive techniques” [coercive interrogation techniques such as water boarding and stressful noises] based on the North Korean interrogation studies as well as its own experiments on interrogation. Also by the 1980s, CIA and Green Beret trainers reportedly began training Latin American militaries in similar techniques in places such as El Salvador, Guatemala, Ecuador, and Peru, and through its School of the Americas at Fort Benning, Georgia.”
As you know Pinochet, The Shah of Iran, the Argentine Junta, the Greek Generals and Mubarack, were all robust torturers and our close allies.
Jane, to avoid appearing like a feeble-minded, dopey, poltroon you may wish to consider removing the reference to the US trying to “abolish torture” in your next edition!
Still the book is invaluable and since I borrowed it from the library I enclose $10 for you personally (Don’t give it to The New Yorker – an effete, snobbish organ I abhor) if you think I should pay the full price of $27.50 just let me know. (No need to tell Random House or our friends at the IRS, eh?)
Yours sincerely
Andy Bain
PS. Any chance of a signed photograph? Thanks!
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THE NEW YORKER
1730 RHODE ISLAND AVE. NW, SUITE 603
WASHINGTON, D.C. 20016
(Handwritten Note)
Dear Andy,
Thanks for your great letter, and for the cash!
Here’s my thought on the sentence you circled for criticism: it’s not that the U.S. has not supported or engaged in torture previously, but in the Bush years, the difference was that it became official, sanctioned, ‘legal’ policy of the U.S.
That is the difference.
Anyway. Many Thanks, Best
Jane Mayer
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(Veterans Against the War unfurled the banner referred to in this letter)