One of Us is F@#*in' Crazy - Letters to Great Americans
One Of Us Is F@#*in’ Crazy
Letters To 'Great' Americans
By
Andy Bain
Copyright 2011 Andy Bain
************
139 Elm Park Mansions.
Charlotte, NC 28269
June 25th, 2010
General George W. Casey Jr.
Chief of Staff of the Army
1400 Defense Pentagon
Washington DC 20301-1400
Dear General Casey,
Sir, I write to alert you to a scandalous act of treachery, during time of war, by the portly cinematographer Michael Moore. On his website yesterday he posted an open letter to President Obama on the subject of General Stanley McCrystal. He said:
“Let me be blunt: We love our kids in the armed services, but we f*#&in' hate these generals, from Westmoreland in Vietnam to, yes, even Colin Powell for lying to the UN with his made-up drawings of WMD...”
(http://www.michaelmoore.com/words/mikes-letter/open-letter-president-obama-michael-moore)
Please find enclosed $20, which I hope you will use towards the prosecution of this unpatriotic scoundrel.
Moore’s gripe appears to be that our military leaders often appear to be mendacious dissemblers.
But what would happen to morale if general officers blurted out that Iraq is the worst hell disaster in US history or Afghanistan an endless, pointless, mind-numbingly futile meat grinder?
Yours Sincerely
Andy Bain
PS. The Rolling Stone article, which led to General McCrystals defenestration, is a national disgrace too. How can we defeat illiterate peasants in the third world when unwashed hippies in this country are allowed to pen, “The general's staff is a handpicked collection of killers, spies, geniuses, patriots, political operators and outright maniacs?”
**********
DEPARTMENT OF THE ARMY
OFFICE OF THE CHIEF OF STAFF
200 ARMY PENTAGON
WASHINGTON DC 20310-0200
JUL 21 2010
REPLY TO
ATTENTION OF
OFFICE OF THE CHIEF OF STAFF
Mr. Andy Bain
139 Elm Park Mansions.
Charlotte, NC 28269
Dear Mr. Bain,
Thank you for your 25 June 2010 letter and your support of our military. In accordance with statute and Army regulations, the Army cannot accept the gift of money for the purpose mentioned in your letter. Therefore, I am returning your generous contribution.
Thanks again for your concern and support for our brave young men and women in uniform.
Sincerely
Signed: Letisha L. Robinson
Letisha L. Robinson
Sergeant First Class
Noncomissioned Officer in Charge
**********
139 Elm Park Mansions.
Charlotte, NC 28269
14 October 2010
Mr. Leon E. Panetta
Director of CIA
Central Intelligence Agency
Office of Public Affairs
Washington, D.C. 20505
Dear Sir,
Has the publication of an un-American diatribe entitled, ‘Dismantling the Empire – America’s Last Best Hope’ by Professor Chalmers Johnson, been brought to your attention?
The book by, the New York publisher Henry Holt’s imprint, ‘Metropolitan’ is a predictable Quasi-Marxist assault on all things American.
However, on page 87, discussing the movie ‘Charlie Wilson’s War’ an extraordinary, puerile attack is made on the Central Intelligence Agency. Johnson writes,
“[The Film] makes the U.S. government look as if it is populated by a bunch of whoring, drunken sleazebags, so in that sense it is accurate enough”!!!
Mr. Panetta, how can we successfully operate a clandestine service and recruit young people as agents when ex-employees blurt out classified information?
Please find enclosed $10 to ‘deal’ with Professor Johnson. I believe our contacts in Egypt know how to deal with unpatriotic elements – but I’ll leave the details to you.
Yours sincerely
Andy Bain
PS. Leon, any chance of a signed photo? I have enclosed a SASE in case you can oblige.
***********
CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY
WASHINGTON, D.C. 20505
22 October 2010
Mr. Andy Bain
3500 Amaranthus Court
Charlotte, NC 28269
Dear Mr. Bain,
Thank you for your recent letter to the Central Intelligence Agency.
I regret that we cannot answer your request for a signed photograph; however I am enclosing a biography, which contains a picture of Director Panetta.
We appreciate your interest in the Central Intelligence Agency.
Sincerely
(Signed) Molly Hale
Molly Hale
Public Communications
**********
139 Elm Park Mansions.
Charlotte, NC 28269
8 October, 2010
Pastor John Hagee
Founder and Senior Pastor
Cornerstone Church
239 N Loop 1604 W
San Antonio, TX 78232
Dear Pastor Hagee,
Your amazing new book, ‘Can America Survive ? – 10 Prophetic Signs That We Are The Terminal Generation’, has had me riveted all week.
I was truly staggered to read on page 17, “an al-Qaeda operative was arrested at Ramallah with a tactical nuke strapped to his back.”
Why had I never heard of this before?
Your footnote directed to, ‘Paul Williams, “American Hirojima,” World Net Daily, September 3, 2005. This is an interview with Paul Williams conducted by Ryan Mauro. In the interview Mr. Williams says,
“an al-Qaeda operative was arrested at the checkpoint at Ramallah with a weapon strapped to his back. At first, Israeli intelligence thought that the weapon was a radiological bomb but later confirmed, as reported by Richard Sales (sic) of UPI and other reputable journalists, that it was a tactical nuke.”
The Richard Sale article available here-
(http://www.homelandsecurityus.net/WMD/data_and_repo1rts_of_the_suitcase.htm) says this: -
“Former Pentagon terrorism expert, Peter Probst, described a radiological bomb as a device with a small explosive core that is encased in radioactive material. "It would not kill a great many people, but it would contaminate a considerable area with radiation," he said.
A U.S. government expert said that the weapon captured by Israel was a backpack…He emphasized it was not a so-called nuclear suitcase bomb.
But former CIA counter-terrorism official Vince Cannistraro [was Chief of Operations at CIA] has no patience with such accounts: "All talk of bin Laden having a nuclear suitcase bomb is crap," he said.
Pastor Hagee when I told my daughter about this she laughed and said, ‘Daddy, looks like you paid 23 bucks for a fiction book!”
John, I will feel like a credulous simpleton if the tactical nuke story is fictitious. I dare say you will too.
Pastor, have you any other proof of the veracity of your claim that a Pakistani in Ramallah had a tactical nuke strapped to his back?
Please find enclosed a SASE and $10 to facilitate a reply.
Yours sincerely
Andy Bain
**********
ALL THE GOSPEL-TO ALL THE WORLD
JOHN HAGEE MINISTRIES
JHM
November 30, 2010
Dear Andy,
On behalf of John Hagee Ministries, we appreciate the support
and confidence you have in Pastor Hagee's teachings.
You indicate having readPastor Hagee's last book, "Can America Survive". You believe you have identified an error in the book. You indicate Pastor Hagee erroneously stated on page 17 that "an Al-Quaeda operative was arrested at Ramallah with a tactical nuke strapped to his back". You quote internet website data that your research of this incident showed the weapon was not "a nuclear suitcase bomb". You would like Pastor's explanation.
Please understand that your concerns are important to Pastor Hagee and his staff; but, we just do not have the resources to spare the manpower to research and answer follow upquestions generated by the millions of readers that will be reading this book and other books he has published. Please keep in mind that our resources are limited and need to be directed to our 'mission goal', which is TO REACH THE LOST.
Sincerely
Edward Martinez
John Hagee Ministries
**********
139 Elm Park Mansions.
Charlotte, NC 28269
December 14, 2010
Pastor John Hagee
Founder and Senior Pastor
Cornerstone Church
239 N Loop 1604 W
San Antonio, TX 78232
Dear Pastor Hagee,
Many thanks for your kind letter of Nov. 30
John, the other part of your book, which has been keeping me up nights, is on page17 where you write:
“Intelligence experts believe Iran has developed the technology to unleash an electromagnetic pulse (EMP) designed to be used against America in a time of war.
Here’s what the EMP does. This electromagnetic blanket does not kill people it kills electrons. In short, it stops every form of electricity instantly and for months, maybe years…No lights or refrigerators will work in your home.”
KILLS ELECTRONS!!! Christ…no TV!?!
This is so alarming you repeat it verbatim on page 66.
Again many thanks for your reply.
Sincerely
Andy Bain
PS. John, for the love of God, could you ask your people to stop sending me importuning letters asking for money. Almost every day I get a fat letter asking for donations. Does your church do anything besides raise cash?
**********
139 Elm Park Mansions.
Charlotte, NC 28269
July 17, 2008
Office of Senator Dole
Alston & Bird LLP
The Atlantic Building
950 F Street N.W.
Washington, DC 20004-1404
Dear Senator Dole,
I am nursing a bruised ankle after falling off my stool in hysterics while reading your hilarious book of quotations, ‘Great Political Wit’. The quote that did the damage was,
“Acknowledging his loss in the 1976 presidential primaries, Morris Udall said, “The voters have spoken – the bastards!”
Another dangerously funny one is, “Harry Truman…made a speech at the Washington Garden Club, he kept referring to the “good manure” that needed to be used on the flowers. Some society women complained to his wife, Bess. “Couldn’t you get the President to say ‘fertilizer’?” they asked. Mrs. Truman replied, “Heavens no, it took me twenty-five years to get him to say ‘manure’.”
Senator, I admit I was one of those who thought you were, “a glowering…sourpuss”. I stand corrected.
Bob, I saw you on WRAL saying a few words about the passing of Jesse Helms. You said, “Senator Helms…never forgot to be civil and courteous to someone on the other side of the issue.”
This got me thinking that there may be a book in uncivil quotations? It could be called something like, “Jesus, You Can’t Say That!!”
We could quote Senator Helms, enraged at gays in the military saying, “Clinton better not show up here {Fort Bragg, NC] without a bodyguard” or Jesse fulminating that, “There is not one single case of AIDS in this country that cannot be traced in origin to sodomy.” Or how about Jesse’s quip about the University of North Carolina (UNC) being, “The University of Negroes and Communists”? We could fill a small book just with Jesse’s aphorisms - ”homosexuals are, degenerate…weak, morally sick wretches”.
If you think such a book is feasible I’d like to get in on it. Please accept the enclosed a $20 as an initial investment. There is plenty more where that came from. Just let me know how much we will both have to invest.
Support Mr. Cheney and Mr. Bush
Sincerely
Andy Bain
***********
BOB DOLE
THE ATLANTIC BUILDING
950 F DTREET, N.W., 10TH FLOOR
WASHINGTON, D.C. 20004
JULY 25, 2008
Dear Mr. Bain,
I’m returning the $20. Your letter has been sent to a book publisher in New York City. I’ll see what he says.
My pressing interest right now is helping Elizabeth get reelected.
Have a good day.
God Bless America
(Signed) Bob Dole
************
139 Elm Park Mansions.
Charlotte, NC 28269
Friday, October 5th 2007
Christopher E. Hitchens
2022 Columbia Rd. NW, Apt 702
Washington, DC 20009-1317
Dear Christopher,
Like you I am, “a drink sodden Ex-Trotskyist (Glasgow Branch of the International Marxist Group) popinjay” now soaking up the sun in the heart of the Imperialist beast!
I recently borrowed your wonderfully prolix book on ‘Thomas Jefferson – Author of America’ from my public library. Unfortunately, on returning it, a busybody librarian noticed that I had, rather impertinently, appended to your name on the title page the message, “is a warmongering arsehole.”
The ridiculous woman has had me banned from the whole library system.
I told her that I was writing to you and had every confidence that you, as an admirer of the US Constitution, the Bill of Rights and particularly the 1st Amendment on Free Speech, would be outraged by her crude attempt at censorship.
Christopher, could you drop me a line, in the SAE, confirming that you do not consider my actions as, “an egregious defacement of County property” but an exercise in vibrant free expression. My library card depends on it.
Yours sincerely
Andy Bain
PS I enclose $20. Have a drink on me! (Are you a single malt man like me?)
PPS It occurs to me that the proffer of an alcoholic libation might be construed as a feeble attempt at a bribe!! Do not hesitate to return the cash if you consider it an attempt to suborn you (I will not be offended - remember I am Scottish).
**********
REPLY FROM HITCHENS
To Whom It May Concern
I understand that Mr Andy Bain has been deprived of the use of the Charlotte library system for scribbling some abuse of me on the title page of my biography of Thomas Jefferson.
I am writing to say that I think such punishment is excessive. Had he torn out a page, or otherwise made the volume unusable by another reader, then I think that he would have offended gravely. But such was evidently neither the intention nor effect of what he did.
I would therefore ask you to reconsider your decision, and tell you that I feel neither personally offended nor outraged in my capacity as an opponent of the desecration of books. Surely some more trifling penalty can be found for such a minor infraction?
Should you wish to contact me directly, my co-ordinates are as follows.
(Hand Signed) Christopher Hitchens
10.X.07
Washington DC 20009
CHitch8003@aol.com
202 387 4842
Hand Written Note from Hitchens
I don’t care about myself, of course, but I think in general it’s a mistake, if not an offense, to deface social property.
Perhaps you know the amusing history of Joe Orton in this respect: it’s in a book called “Prick Up You Ears”
by John Lahr.
The $20 goes toward a bottle of Highland Park (the finest…)
Fraternally, C. H.
***********
139 Elm Park Mansions.
Charlotte, NC 28269
Christopher E. Hitchens
Washington, DC 20009-1317
Monday, October 15th 2007
Dear Christopher,
Many thanks for your reply of the 10.X.07.
I was not aware of the pranks of the playwright Joe Orton. Apparently he would, “subtly modify the cover art or the blurbs before returning [books] to the library. A volume of poems by John Betjeman, for example, was returned to the library with a new dust jacket featuring a photograph of a nearly naked, heavily tattooed middle-aged man.” Brilliant.
He also stole prints from books to decorate his flat. He was charged with five counts of theft and malicious damage to more than seventy books and was jailed for six months!!
Ironically, the books modified by Orton are now the most valuable books in Islington library.
I have just returned from a rather unpleasant interview with the Director of Libraries. In a truly Orwellian twist they checked all the books I have borrowed in the last year and, a la Orton, have found almost sixty other illicit ‘epigrams’.
Around General Colin Powell’s name on the title page of his biography ‘Soldier’ I had appended, “In front of a Global TV audience of two billion, [Colin Powell] became the biggest liar in History.”
In Lou Dobbs ‘War on the Middle Class’ I had written, “Lou Dobbs is a podgy xenophobic moron.” Childish I know.
And in Max Boot’s execrable ‘Savage Wars of Peace: Small wars and the rise of American power’ I put, ““MAX BOOT…is a f—kin’ warmonger. Read Para. 2 Page 321 and save yourself the trouble of reading this buffoons scribblings.” The relevant Para is, “A decade later, when Bush’s son became president, the Iraqi dictator was still developing weapons of mass destruction…”
I showed the Director your letter describing my conduct as, “a minor infraction” and drew his attention to the proclivities of Joe Orton. But to no avail.
Christopher, to prevent being banned from every library in the Carolinas, they are demanding that I pay for all the books that have been defaced i.e. $1200.
As I am currently in what Comrade Marx called the ‘reserve army of labour’ i.e. unemployed, this will be vexatious.
In the circumstances, could you see your way to returning my $20 as a contribution towards 1st Amendment rights? Better still; as a famous upholder of free speech would you consider the contribution of a trifling sum towards my fighting fund?