One of Us is F@#*in' Crazy - Letters to Great Americans Read online

  As I watched this surreal pantomime I just knew they would be showing it, repeatedly, on al-Arabiya and al-Jazeera.

  Al, as the American, other than George W. Bush, who has almost single-handed undermined our political leadership by ridicule and mockery aren’t you lowering morale at home; stripping our leaders of their mystique and eliminating our image of invincibility?

  Sincerely yours

  Andy Bain

  PS. I have enclosed a stamped addressed envelope and $20 towards your cost of reply (photocopies, research by one of your interns, etc. If there is any left over have a drink on me!)

  ***********

  THE AL FRANKEN SHOW

  AIR AMERICA RADIO

  MEMORANDUM

  TO: MR. ANDY BAIN

  FROM: KATHY KOSTOHRYZ, THE AL FRANKEN SHOW

  RE: LETTER DATED MAY 8, 2006

  DATE: MAY 23, 2006

  Mr. Bain:

  Enclosed please find the money you recently sent to The Al Franken Show. We are unable to accept money.

  Thank you for your support of Mr. Franken and The Al Franken Show.

  ***********

  139 Elm Park Mansions

  Charlotte, NC 28262

  31 May 2006

  Kathy Kostohryz

  The Al Franken Show

  40 S 7th Street

  Suite 212 #311

  Minneapolis, MN 55402

  Dear Kathy Kostohryz,

  Thank you for your ‘Memorandum’ of the 23rd May 2006 and the return of $20 I sent to Al. Very honest. Some would have simply trousered the cash.

  I presume from the brusque, dismissive form of your reply that you did not even show Al my epistle. Quite right!

  It turns out Professor J. Michael Waller is a paid up nutty neo-con and has collaborated with Frank Gaffney Jr. on a new book call, ‘War Footing’. The book is the fevered ravings of delusional minds. Perhaps Al could have Mr Gaffney, who still insists there was WMD and collusion between Saddam and bin Laden, on the show?

  As I said in my previous letter I, like Al, (but unlike most intelligent, informed people) swallowed the monstrous lies of General Colin Powell at the UN, line, hook and sinker. I have recently discovered that Colin as a young Major was tasked to investigate allegations of a massacre around the time of My Lai in Vietnam and he reported back, “In direct refutation of this portrayal is the fact that relations between American soldiers and the Vietnamese people are excellent."

  Both Al and I should have known this guy was a lulu! If only he and I had listened to Hans Blix.

  Kathy, I know you can’t accept money but surely Al can take a drink from a lukewarm fan? Anyway here is the same $20. Tell him to stick it in his pocket – no questions asked.

  Sincerely yours,

  Andy Bain

  PS. Is Al in favour of a draft and sending more young Americans to be slaughtered? I never listen to his programme so don’t know.

  ***********

  40 south 7th Street

  Suite 212 #311

  Minneapolis, MN 55402

  June 13, 2006

  Andy Bain

  139 Elm Park Mansions

  Charlotte, NC 28262

  Dear Mr. Bain,

  Thank you for your generosity, but once again, we absolutely cannot accept money under any circumstances.

  Sincerely,

  The Al Franken Show

  ***********

  139 Elm Park Mansions

  Charlotte, NC 28262

  02 May 2006

  Thomas L. Friedman

  The New York Times

  229 West 43rd Street

  New York, NY 10036-3959

  Dear Mr Friedman,

  Have you seen the scandalous accusation Noam Chomsky has made against you in ‘Failed States’?

  He says, “…through the 1980s Arafat repeatedly offered negotiations leading to a diplomatic settlement, while Israel – in particular the dovish “pragmatists” – flatly refused any discussions…New York Times Jerusalem correspondent Thomas Friedman regularly misrepresented the ongoing record…”

  Tom, this is tantamount to calling you an unscrupulous bounder and a dupe of the Israeli state! I am Scottish – can he say this in the United States?

  Undoubtedly, you will sue. I include $20 towards your legal fees.

  Sincerely yours,

  Andy Bain

  Stamped Addressed Envelope – written on the back

  ************

  I don’t know!

  Best Wishes

  Tom Friedman

  Inc. $20

  ************

  139 Elm Park Mansions

  Charlotte, NC 28262

  December 15, 2006

  Tom Friedman

  The New York Times

  229 West 43rd Street

  New York, NY 10036- 3959

  Dear Tom,

  Thank you for your astonishingly tardy reply (post marked 08 Dec 2006) to my letter and the return of my $20. (I confess after seven months I assumed you were going to trouser the cash in the despicable Scottish manner.) Your brusque and hastily scribbled note on the back of my SAE was much appreciated.

  Tom, I wonder if you are aware that Chomsky has been at it again? In his latest book, ‘Perilous Power – The Middle East and US Foreign Policy’ he says, on page 87,

  “…the New York Times…have a position, chief diplomatic correspondent, which is a euphemism for State Department representative, which was Thomas Friedman at the time (1991)…He said the best of all worlds for the United States would be an iron fisted military junta ruling Iraq much the way Saddam Hussein did, but not him, because he is an embarrassment. And if we can’t get that we have to have the second best, namely Saddam Hussein.”

  Tom, the bounder is saying you are a stooge of the State Dept. and an amoral hypocrite to boot. He is implying that all your persiflage about democracy is pure cant. Naturally I did not believe the above quotation for a moment. So I went on to the NYT’s archive and was flabbergasted to find you writing,

  “The same iron fist that Saddam Hussein used to smash Kuwait he used to hold his centrifugal republic together. If the United States hopes to withdraw its troops from the gulf, and preserve all of its military gains from the war, it is essential that Mr. Hussein, or, preferably, a different but equally strong figure, is at the helm in Baghdad. “ (17 march 1991)

  Tom, I would appreciate your guidance on this because prima facie it would appear to the uninitiated that Chomsky is correct and you are, indeed, a cynical charlatan only paying lip service to ideas of democracy.

  Looking forward to being set straight by you.

  Sincerely yours,

  Andy Bain

  PS. Tom, are you aware that the liberal loony websites on the Internet have begun jocularly referring to a six-month period as, “a Friedman Unit.” They are referring to your practice, since 2003, as the tsunami of torture, slaughter and blood in Iraq has roared, of persistently arguing that the next six months are crucial. The trouble is you seem to have defended this position every three months since the criminal aggression started.

  ***********

  139 Elm Park Mansions

  Charlotte, NC 28262

  19 May 2006

  The New York Times

  Lauren F. Winner

  229 West 43rd Street

  New York, New York 10036-3959

  Dear Lauren F. Winner,

  I have just read your difficult, disturbing but inspiring piece on teenage chastity in this morning’s New York Times. Your brutally candid assertion that, “many Christians still “struggle with”…premarital sex, adultery and pornography” perceptively recognises that many professed believers are in fact duplicitous fornicators. Who can forget TV evangelist Jimmy Swaggartt (or indeed his Assemblies of God colleague Jim Bakker)?

  However, I am troubled by your declaration that, “the church is a place where you can lay bare your brokenness and sin”.

  Lauren, do we really want teenagers laying bar
e their salacious, libidinous tales of “rampant premarital sex” in front of the elderly and the bashful?

  Do you encourage teenagers to make these kind of prurient confessions in the doubtful atmosphere of Mormon or even Seventh Day Adventist temples? (Surely it is wildly irresponsible to direct a vulnerable teenager with tales of lecherous athletics to a Catholic priest?)

  Finally, you aver, “we pledge to speak God’s forgiveness to you if you falter”. Doesn’t this amount to (to use a British expression) ‘selling the jersey’s’? i.e. giving the teenager absolution for any torrid sexual activity in advance?

  Doesn’t this amount to promotion of sexual permissiveness? Are there to be no sanctions for underage fellatio and cunnilingus except a priori condonation? (I apologise for my rough frankness (and for using three Latin terms in one sentence.)

  Lauren, have I understood you properly? I enclose a stamped addressed envelope to facilitate a reply and $20 towards your campaign for, ‘lifelong celibacy’.

  Sincerely yours,

  Andy Bain

  ***********

  139 Elm Park Mansions

  Charlotte, NC 28262

  December 26, 2006

  Ms Diane Rehm

  The Diane Rehm Show

  WAMU 88.5 FM

  American University Radio

  4000 Brandywine Street, NW

  Washington, D.C. 20016-8082

  Dear Ms. Rehm,

  I have been a devoted fan of your eclectic show since I moved to the US a year ago. Unfortunately, I can honestly report that, although I often agree with your guests, I have seldom concurred with a single utterance from you. I’m afraid I find you to be a typical, dopey Washington liberal.

  So it is with some surprise that I must report that the show of the 22nd Dec 2006 was by far the acme of the whole year.

  Discussing the unfortunate events at Abu Ghraib (Mass Torture) and Haditha (Extra Legal Executions of innocent women and children) your NPR colleague Tom Gjelten correctly averred, “ our adversaries are adept at manipulating and using propaganda against us…the challenge is...dealing with these propaganda operations.”

  Absolutely spot on, accurate and indisputable.

  However, knowing your bleeding heart, wishy-washy, flaccid political opinions I fully expected you to leap in with one of your habitual gripes, e.g. “Hang on a minute, are you seriously suggesting that the victims at Abu Ghraib and Haditha were letting themselves be sadistically tortured, sexually humiliated and wantonly slaughtered simply to embarrass the USA!?!

  Diane, breathtakingly, you managed to hold your tongue and your listeners got the unalloyed, patriotic message that the perfidious Iraqis will stop at nothing to paint the US forces as cruel and pitiless imperialist storm troopers. Well done.

  In the circumstances please find enclosed $20. Have a drink on me. (On no account donate the cash to NPR as I abhor the notion of public funded radio – clearly a communist idea – Diane, this gift is for you personally.)

  Support Mr. Bush and Mr. Cheney

  God Bless America

  Sincerely yours,

  Andy Bain

  ************

  139 Elm Park Mansions.

  Charlotte, NC 28269

  Friday, October 5th, 2007

  Dr. Henry Kissinger

  Kissinger McLarty Associates

  900 17th Street Northwest

  Washington, DC 20006

  Dear Dr. Kissinger,

  I am reading an unpleasant book by the ex-New York Times hack Stephen Kinzer, whom I am sure you know, called ‘Overthrow - America’s Century of Regime Change from Hawaii to Iraq’.

  On page 180, talking about Chile, Kinzer quotes you as saying, “I don’t see why we need to stand by and watch a country go Communist due to the irresponsibility of its own people”.

  Henry, did you actually ever say this?

  Kinzer gives no source but I have noted that this deplorable quote is reproduced ubiquitously on the web and in books. Wikipedia, as well as the above, also quotes you as saying, “the issues are much too important for the Chilean voters to be left to decide for themselves”. Surprise, surprise, again no source is given.

  Of course, the transparent motivation is to portray one of our most distinguished elder statesmen as a cynical, Machiavellian, anti-democratic, monster.

  I intend to write to Mr Kinzer and challenge his gratuitous attempt to sully the reputation of one of America’s diplomatic heroes. Henry, could you drop me a line confirming that you deny ever uttering such stupid and buffoonish words?

  Yours sincerely

  Andy Bain

  ***********

  139 Elm Park Mansions

  Charlotte, NC 28262

  25 May 2006

  Simon & Schuster

  FAO L. Paul Bremer III

  Rockefeller Center

  1230 Avenue of the Americas

  New York, NY 10020

 

  Dear Ambassador Bremer,

  Just finished your tremendous ‘My Year in Iraq’. A ‘tour de force’ which reads like a scintillating Le Carre novel. My congratulations to you.

  One question if I may? On page 360 during a secret National Security Council (NSC) meeting discussing our selection of a Prime Minister for the Iraqis you report President Bush as declaring, “We’ve got to be certain the new PM won’t ask us to leave the day after sovereignty.”

  Jerry, doesn’t this let the cat out of the bag?

  First, it reveals that we understand that all the persiflage on the Iraqis being ecstatic about being liberated by us is just propaganda for the consumption of the gullible US domestic population.

  Second, the clear implication is that we want to remain in Iraq to control the oil.

  And third we were in a funk because if asked to leave we would have to abandon all the verbiage about democracy and rule Iraq with an iron fist in the face of universal condemnation and obloquy.

  Jerry, in retrospect, was it wise to reveal our real-politik in your book?

  I would love to have your thoughts and to that end I have enclosed $20 towards your cost of reply. I would love a signed photo if you have one.

  Support President Bush

  Sincerely yours,

  Andy Bain

  ***********

  Mr. Andy Bain

  139 Elm Park Mansions

  Charlotte, NC 28262

  June 19, 2006

  Dear Mr. Bain

  Thank you for you nice note. I am glad you enjoyed the book. It tries to portray what was a very trying time in a way the reader can understand. And it seems to have worked for you.

  As for the comment by the President you cite, this strikes me as a perfectly understandable reaction to having to deal with personalities he did not know and a situation which, at the time of this meeting was very fluid. We knew that once the occupation was over, the Iraqi government would be perfectly free to ask us to leave. We knew at that time that an immediate departure would be very harmful, for Iraqis in particular. So the comment reflected reality.

  The idea that we want to control Iraqi oil is simply wrong. I was in literally hundreds of hours of meetings with people from all levels of our government over a period of 15 months. I never once heard anyone make any comment about controlling the oil. And when I repealed Saddam’s restriction against foreign direct investment in Iraq, I intentionally (and publicly) excluded the entire oil industry.

  Thank you, too, for sending along $20, which I return herewith. I am afraid I don’t have any publicity photos. If you find one on the net which you like, you can always print it out and send it to me for signing.

  Sincerely

  (Signed) L Paul Bremer

  Ambassador Bremer

  ************

  139 Elm Park Mansions

  Charlotte, NC 28262

  18 July 2006

  Ambassador Bremer

  REDACTED

  Chevy Chase, MD 20815

  Dear Ambassador Bremer,

&nbsp
; I just returned from a month’s vacation in France (still full of, “cheese-eating surrender monkeys” I’m afraid, and all declaring that Chirac was right all along on Iraq) and was very pleased to find your reply to my letter of 5th June.

  I enclose a photo of you from the net, which you kindly offered to sign for me. I choose one that features the famous desert boots (and the boss).

  Apropos the question of us coveting Iraqi oil - obviously, I realise that in your position you must deny that we are drooling over the trillions of dollars involved.

  But doesn’t the fact that we swiftly secured the Ministry of Oil in Baghdad, with plentiful squads of main-battle tanks and hordes of hairy-assed marines, while the irreplaceable treasures of antiquity were being looted from the city’s museums tell an objective observer all he needs to know about our priorities?

  Jerry, if Iraq’s main export was turnips would you have been the head of a Coalition Provisional Authority?

  Support the President

  Sincerely yours,

  Andy Bain

  ***********

  Mr. Andy Bain

  139 Elm Park Mansions

  Charlotte NC

  August 4, 2006

  Andy

  I am pleased to enclose a signed copy of the picture you sent along.

  Best Wishes

  LPB

  Enclosed: Photo of Ambassador Bremer (wearing his famous desert boots) and President George W. Bush with his hand on Bremer’s back.

  Signed: To Andy - Best Wishes

  L Paul Bremer

  8/4/06

  ***********

  139 Elm Park Mansions

  Charlotte, NC 28262

  16 Dec. 2006

  General Bantz J. Craddock

  US Southern Command

  3511 NW 91st Avenue

  Miami, FL 3172

  Dear General Craddock,

  Just came across this fascinating snippet from the New York Times of 03 Oct. 2006.

  ‘On Sunday, President (Hugo) Chávez (of Venezuela) said he had received warnings that the United States might be plotting to assassinate him. General Craddock responded: ''That's mindless. That's far out. It's way over the top.'' ‘

  Bantz, both you and I know (as men of the world) that we have a salubrious history of eliminating, with extreme prejudice, our perceived foes. I believe our CIA guys jocularly refer to it as, “suicide involuntarily administered…by the Agency’s Health Alteration Committee!”